#adhd tortures me when it comes to reading

[wolfwhisperertf]

The man is in a dress, I repeat the man is in the dress

Guess who finally bought the physical copy of one of their favorite books lol

[bonesxbows]

What This Means To Me (Lucifer X Reader)

My Masterlist

You've sold your soul to Vox and Lucifer doesn't know. That is until you can no longer hide the scars he leaves when he treats you like his personal play toy.

(WARNINGS) - Graphic descriptions of wounds/abuse - Hiding abuse from partner - Crying - Panic attacks/descriptions of Panic attacks

Guess who's back on their Hazbin Hotel bullshitttt

Me :)

More to come! (Hopefully, if my adhd cooperates) but for now thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy! Reblogs and Likes much appreciatied!

Banners by @strangergraphics

You crashed onto the floor, your chin making contact with the tiles and making your skull rattle inside your head. You picked yourself up, being cautious to still keep your head lowered; over the years you’d learned that eye contact only made him more brutal. 

“Repeat it.” he spat, venom pouring from his neon lips like a waterfall. He was in the middle of a power high and one wrong move would spell the end of your existence. 

“I stupidly made a mistake and I’m terribly sorry, sir, please have mercy and it’ll never happen again.” you droned, the words practically carved into your brain from how many times you would have to repeat them over the week. 

A wash of cold blue light was cast over you as his screen lit up with enjoyment, you knew his sick smile was growing in size even if you still had your eyes glued to the floor. A sudden tendril of cold crept around your neck and you were yanked towards him, a sharp sting assaulting your skin where a bright electric blue chain had been forced around your throat. You couldn't help the way your face twisted in fear, which only served to fuel his tyrannical high more. You were brought face to face with him, the brightness from his screen being so close making your head pound; the impact with the floor from earlier surely leaving you with a concussion. He held your chain taunt in one hand, leaving you powerless in any attempt to try and back away from him.  “Who owns you?” he asked, venom still running thickly through his words. 

You stuttered on your words, the pain in your head making your mind spin in circles. Nausea ran through your body, making you shudder and instinctively arc yourself backwards away from the threat in front of you. Vox read your movements as an attempt to flee his grasp, making his anger flare. He pulled your chain tighter, using his other hand to roughly grab your wrist. A pulsing shock ran through your body, making the hairs on your arm stand up straight. You tried to pull away from him as the contact from his hand continuously sent waves of electrocution under your skin, the smell of burnt flesh and blood oozing from your wrist. Your skin was being fried off while his claws dug even further into the blackened char, piercing the reddened raw flesh underneath. You hissed from the pain and cried out. “Fuck! Vox, stop! That fucking hurts! I’m sorry!” Tears threatened to pour over your eyelashes as you pleaded with him. You struggled against him like a deer caught in a bear trap but his grip was too strong, all of your efforts were in vain but every nerve in your body was screaming at you to get away from him. 

He chuckled at your suffering, the growing stench of charred flesh not bothering him in the slightest. “I’ll ask again. Who. Owns. You?” his voice was calm despite the chaos he was creating. 

“You do! Fuck- you do, Vox! Please, for the love of everything unholy, please stop!” you screamed at him, not stopping the tears that flowed freely now, the pain becoming unbearable. You wanted to pass out from the pain and the smell made you want to throw up. You felt like you would soon collapse if he didn't let up on this torture. 

Your response was satisfactory to him and he let you go, but he did it so abruptly that you lost your balance and crashed into the floor. You immediately curled into a ball and cradled your injured arm, expecting another blow from him before he was done with you. But thankfully another one never came. He barked an order at you and then left with a slam of the door behind him, but your head was pounding so aggressively that all you heard was ringing. 

You spent the rest of the day in the shadows, refusing to look at anyone and staying out of everyone’s way. It was best not to call more attention to yourself after having a “private meeting” with one of the bosses. You waited until the tower was completely empty and everyone else who hadn’t left had retired for the night before making a break for the exit, clearing the doors without a soul noticing. You would make it out of there in one piece, surviving another day of work, but now your only problem was surviving the tidal wave of consequences. If you arrived home without a good cover-up story to explain the nasty wounds that now littered your body Hell only knows the kind of unholy wrath Lucifer would unleash on Vox, and you didn't even want to fathom the type of results that would cause for you as an employee of the Vees. 

The walk back to Lucifer’s palace was a long one thankfully, giving you enough time to thread together a decent enough plan. The doors screeched open when you walked through, but otherwise the palace was empty and quiet, as usual. You made your way to your shared bedroom, being careful to not appear panicked just in case he saw you before you made it. You figured you had a few minutes at least before he figured out you were home. You managed to grab a long-sleeved sweater from the closet and throw it on before he caught up to you. 

“Hey, duckling. You're home awfully late. Is everything okay?” he stood in the doorway with his suit jacket missing and his hair slightly ruffled, telltale signs that he had been in his workshop all day. 

“Yeah everything’s fine Luci, it was just a long day that’s all.” you plastered on the fakest smile you could muster while holding back tears. The abrasiveness of the sweater against your burnt skin was making this more difficult than you had hoped. 

“Are you sure darling? You seem…off. I mean, not like your usual self. You know you can tell me anything, right?” he closed the distance between the two of you and gently cupped his hand around your cheek. The feeling of how soft his touch was compared to the way Vox touched you was another major crack in your already crumbling dam. 

“I'm fine! Luci really, everything’s fine. Please just stop asking.” you snapped. You hadn’t meant to sound so harsh, but fear of your cover being blown made anger bubble up and out onto your words. He recoiled back, pulling his hand away immediately as if your skin suddenly went alight. You flinched as soon as his touch disappeared, already knowing you had hurt him. “Fuck…I-I’m sorry. I didn't mean to yell. I just…Vox has been getting a little more aggressive lately and it’s been putting me on edge. I’m sorry Lucifer, I didn't mean to snap at you.” 

“Tell me the truth, ducky.” it wasn't a question. His voice was stern this time. Your yelling had startled him, but now he was seeing right through your bullshit and he was done with being lied to. Your silence only confirmed his suspicions. Your eyes were glued to the floor and he could hear small sniffles coming from you as tears fell to the carpet. 

“I…I can’t.” you choked out, using the sleeve of your sweater to wipe your nose. 

“I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on sweetheart.” he gently laced his fingers through your other hand, which sent sparks of pain up your arm from the wound, making you cry twice as hard. 

“He’ll kill me. He’ll kill me if he finds out I told you.” you cried out, meeting his eyes for the first time since you started crying. His face looked so strange to you without its usual sharp-toothed smile and prideful eyes. He looked so scared and worried and you hated yourself for making him feel that way. 

“No one can threaten your life, you know that. Whoever they are should be more afraid of me than you need to be of them. You really think I’d let anything happen to you?” he asked as he let go of your hand to use one of his claws to wipe away your tears, still being extra gentle. He touched you like you were made of glass but you didn't mind. You felt like your insides were made of a far more fragile material right now anyway. 

“No?...I…I don't know. I don't know what to think right now Luci. He scares the fuck out of me.” you sobbed. You just wanted this nightmare to end. 

He moved closer to cradle your head in his hands, the tips of his claws brushing against your skin so gently that they tickled. “Look at me, angel.” You did as he asked, staring at his yellow and red snake eyes, creased with worry, through a blur of tears that refused to stop. “You’re safe with me. I promise you, no one can hurt you so long as I’m around.” 

You wanted to believe him. You really did, but the years of torment Vox had put you through had taught you to think otherwise. You were never safe. He always made sure of that. Your eyes turned glassy as your mind was pulled into an endless cycle of torment surrounding the years of suffering Vox had put you through. You could hear Lucifer calling your name, no doubt trying to snap you out of whatever trance your mind had sucked you into. 

“Luci…I…”

“Do you trust me?” 

You blinked and shifted your eyes back to him. “More than anything.” 

“Then trust me when I say that’ll keep you safe.” 

“But you can’t!” you blurted out, a fresh wave of tears washing over your eyes. His face twisted into a mixture of confusion and panic; he hated seeing you cry so much. 

“What do you mean, sweetheart? What’s going on? What aren’t you telling me?” his questions came out at a rapid-fire rate but at this point, your safety was on the line and he was too concerned to care. He moved his hands from your face and caressed them down the sides of your shoulders and down the sides of your arms in an attempt to calm you down enough to explain the situation, but as soon as his claws made contact with your forearm you shrieked and leaped back from his touch. Lucifer jumped, pulling his hands away as he did so, fearful that he had hurt you somehow, but when blood started to drip down your hand he knew there wasn’t a possibility that his gentle touch could have caused that. 

“You’re bleeding,” he stated, reaching for your arm, but you yanked it away before he could make contact. 

“It’s nothing.” 

“I barely touched you and you screamed like I took a match to your skin. Obviously, it’s not nothing. Did he hurt you?” 

“It’s-”

“I’ll ask again. Did he hurt you?” you glanced up and knew your bluffing chances were running out; Lucifer’s eyes had turned red, his yellow pupils staring right through you and fire threatened to spill from the corners of his mouth. Any fight you had left in your words died at the back of your throat at the sight. Wordlessly you removed the sweater you had put on earlier to cover the aftermath from Vox, letting the plush fabric drop to the floor as the room fell into a silence. You couldn’t help but drop your head; too afraid to face Lucifer. You had lied to him, repeatedly. You had tried to cover up this mess from him and now there was no telling how he would react. 

The quiet was deafening and for a moment you considered peeking your head up, but before you could Lucifer’s clawed fingertips brushed up against your own. The sudden unexpected contact made you jump and you whipped your head up to look at him, but you didn’t pull away this time. His demeanor hadn’t changed, in fact, he looked even angrier; his eyes now glowed menacingly red and his teeth were set in a snarl. Yet his face held a softness of concern around the corners of his eyes when he looked at you as his hands moved to hold onto yours, cradling your hand in his with the slightest touch as his eyes raked up and down your forearm; examining the now oozing and partially scabbed over wound. 

“Lucifer I…” he didn’t look up when you called out his name so you watched as he continued to examine you, his touch barely that of a feather compared to the way Vox handled you. The worry and compassion and pure love set in his features were enough to make tears well in your eyes again. There was so much you wanted to say, so much you wanted to apologize for, but the words were stuck in your throat. You didn't deserve this; you didn’t deserve him. This was Hell, who were you to deserve adoration from an angel? 

When he raised his hand to hover it over the burn wound you began to panic and instinctively went to yank your arm away, memories of Vox’s hand being there mere hours before flooding your mind, but Lucifer held your wrist firmly in his other hand. “You’re okay, ducky. Relax. I would never hurt you like he did.” 

Realization set in as soon as his soft words hit your ears and you stopped struggling against his grip, his fingers loosening as soon as you did. “Sorry…I know Luci, I didn't mean-”

“I know, darling.” He went to place his hand over your wound again and this time you forced yourself to stay still, trusting him completely. A bright yellow light burst forth from his palm, coating your forearm in brilliant golden warmth. You closed your eyes, expecting to flinch from oncoming pain…but there never was any. In fact, you felt nothing at all except Lucifer’s hand still holding onto your wrist. You dared a peek and cracked one of your eyes open a sliver, but by the time you did the light was gone. He removed his hands and you opened your eyes fully to see what had been done. 

You couldn’t help it when your mouth fell open in shock. Everything was gone; the blood, the charred skin, the gouges left from Vox’s claws, all of it was gone. Your skin was back to its original soft and pristine state before Vox had mangled it. 

“I…I don’t know what to say…” when you met his eyes you were surprised to see that the glow had vanished from them and now his halo sat adorned atop his golden locks, a golden snake looped in a circle around the top of his head. It disappeared as quickly as you had seen it, leaving a puff of golden smoke behind as it went up in red flames. He smiled lovingly and placed his hands on your shoulders, lacing his fingers together around the back of your neck. 

“You can start by telling me where I can find this fucker.” the question left a toothy snarl on his face and you could almost taste the venom on his tongue. 

“Luci, he-”

“Is a dead man for thinking he can dare lay a finger on you like that and live? Yes, he is.”

“No, you don’t understand. He-”

“Why are you trying to protect him after everything he’s done to you?”

“He owns me, Lucifer.” 

There it was, the underlying truth out in the open at last. He was struck dumbfounded for a moment, all emotion except confusion washed away from his face as his eyebrows knitted together and his mouth drooped into a small frown. 

But it was only for a moment as he processed your words. 

The next time you blinked all the lights in the room began to blow one by one, the popping noises of the glass scaring you and making you yelp. Instinctively you leaned into the protection of Lucifer’s touch, ducking your head into his chest and curling into the safety of his arms. The room was plunged into darkness, yet there was one singular glow coming from a nearby light source. You tilted your head up to see where it was coming from and you were met with a sight of fire. An aura of pure bright orange flame surrounded Lucifer, though it didn’t burn you even though you were touching him. His demonic form was on full display; his horns had sprouted from the crown of his head and taken over the spot where his halo had been mere seconds ago, all six of his crimson and white wings had unfurled and were thrashing behind him, threatening to encase you in a possessive protective layer of feathers with every forward beat, his spade-tipped tail whipped back and forth beside him like a coiled snake ready to strike, and his eyes began to glow again with a menacingly red flare. You didn’t know what to do. You had seen him like this before, but never this bad; the flames were new, and he had never acted this way as a result of something you had said or done. 

“Luci…?” you meeked out, your arms still pressed against his chest. He had wrapped his arms around you when you had cowered into his embrace, but now he was refusing to let go. 

“Tell me where he is.” his voice was different, deeper and raspier than what you were used to. Should you be scared? Surely the growing feeling of fright in the pit of your stomach was from your memories of Vox, right? 

“I…I don’t…” you stuttered over your words, your emotions twisting in your mind like balls of yarn. You were scared, but you weren’t supposed to be scared. Lucifer would never hurt you, you knew that, but yet something just felt wrong. The scene felt too much like the memories you had of Vox and your whole body was telling you to flee. You felt too small, too vulnerable, and your breaths began to shake and stutter as your heart felt like it would pound out of your chest. But Lucifer placed a hand on your cheek, bringing a temporary halt to your panic. His wings had stopped flapping wildly and came to rest around the two of you, cocooning you in a barrier of warmth and feathers. He blinked and his eyes stopped glowing; instead turning to his red and yellow demon irises. He knew he had scared you; his smile and concerned look spoke for him. You leaned into his touch as you relaxed a little, steadying your breathing. No, you thought. I was wrong. No matter how scary he looks he would never hurt me like Vox has. He’s nothing like him, not even close. 

You took a deep breath and asked the question lingering on the tip of your tongue, “Can you really break it? The deal, I mean?” you could feel a spark of hope gleaming in your heart, but you didn’t know whether yet to nurture it or drown it out.

He couldn't help but chuckle, though you couldn't see what was so funny. “This is my Hell, ducky. You need only ask for it and it’s yours.” He tenderly swiped his thumb across your cheek as he spoke, a loving smile adorning his lips. 

You could be free. Finally free. No more torment, no more pain. All you had to do was tell him where to find Vox. But there was something still nagging you in the back of your mind. A consequence that made you hesitate. 

“You can’t kill him, Luci.” you blurted out, watching as his eyes threatened to glow with fire again. But they didn’t, he remained calm. Somehow. You’d have to commend him for that later. You weren’t quite sure why you were denying Lucifer his revenge on your behalf; whether it was to protect your skin in the future when he couldn’t be around to protect you or to give Charlie’s friend the satisfaction of killing Vox himself you couldn’t figure out. Before he could ask why or refuse you continued, “Just trust me…please? Leave him alive. Can you still break the contract like that?” 

He huffed and seemed to consider your request for a moment, but ultimately he agreed. “Alright…won’t say I’m happy about it but for you…I suppose I’ll listen.” 

You smiled for the first time that day and he couldn’t help but place a small soft kiss on your nose when you did. And with that, you told him the information he had been waiting for. “V Tower, tallest building around that isn’t the Angel Headquarters. He never leaves.” 

He pulled his wings and arms back from you and you immediately missed the warmth, but you knew it was for good reason. The room felt overwhelmingly cold suddenly and a shiver went down your spine, you hadn’t realized the heat that had been pouring from Lucifer’s body being so close to you. He took a step back, making a motion to leave and make good on his word, but noticed your change in demeanor out of the corner of his eye and stopped for a moment.You had wrapped your arms around yourself and he took note of how cold and lonely you looked standing there by yourself in the now dark room. A frown tugged at the corners of his mouth. He didn’t like the idea of leaving you here all alone, especially since you were in such a fragile state, but he needed to do this. The sooner the better, the sooner you could be free from that asshole’s torment. But he refused to leave you in such a condition like this before taking off to deal with him. He shrugged off his jacket and gently threw it around your shoulders, adjusting it and making sure it was fully covering you before he placed a soft kiss on the top of your head. You instinctively grabbed ahold of the fabric and curled it around yourself, breathing in his apple pie scent that lingered on the collar. He then turned and flicked a finger out towards the ceiling, a ray of golden light beaming out of his fingertip. It exploded when it made impact with the roof, golden and white smoke swirling out in all directions. But once the smoke cleared the plain white paint had been replaced with a dazzling yellow night sky, bright stars swirling around in the atmosphere and shining a soft golden glow around the room. 

A prideful grin was stuck on his face when he caught the way your eyes lit up at the sight. “There, so you don’t have to be in the dark. I won’t be gone long, alright? Then this mess’ll be over.” 

And with that, he took off from the railing of the balcony with a strong beat of his wings. As you watched him soar away, his white wings a stark contrast against the red sky of the Pride ring, you swore you could see the outline of his horns peeking out above his head. You almost felt sorry for Vox for what was heading his way. Almost. 

At some point, you had fallen asleep before Lucifer had returned, curled up on his side of the bed with his coat covering you. The night sky scene he had left you with was peaceful and its soft light had easily soothed you into a slumber after the emotionally draining day you had endured. 

But you awoke with a scream ripping through your throat. 

You shot up, Lucifer’s coat falling off of you in the process, as an all too familiar bright electric blue chain wrapped itself around your throat. “No…No! Lucifer!” you screamed, kicking and pulling backward as the chain threatened to yank you off of the bed. But your struggle was no match, you hit the floor with a thud, your head making contact with the tiles first and sending black spots into your vision. You blinked and propped yourself up on your hands, tears beginning to prick at the corners of your eyes again. Through the spots and swaying in your vision you saw a bundle of white next to you on the floor; Lucifer’s coat had fallen onto the ground with you during the tumble. You reached out and grabbed onto it, pulling it closer to you and clutching the fabric in your fist til your knuckles turned white, holding onto the coat like a lifeline and praying it would turn into the real Lucifer soon. For now, you would have to make due. 

It wasn’t long after you had grabbed the jacket that the chain around your neck refused to be forgotten about. It glowed, a sickening blue reflecting into your eyes and making your now-pounding head throb. But it was all a distraction; a split second later you were pulled across the floor. You tried to dig your heels into the ground, but the slippery tiles gave you no traction to stop yourself, so you did the next best thing and curled Lucifer’s jacket into your chest and braced for the inevitable impact with the wall behind you. 

Your spine hit it with a reverberating crack. The force of the impact bounced your head backward, slamming it against the wall at the same time. You cried out, the room now spinning as the black spots in your vision became worse and your ears began to ring. But you looked down and sure enough Lucifer’s coat was still in your fist. You breathed in relief as you began to cry in earnest. You could do that here to cope with the pain, there were no watchful eyes to make the torment worse for showing signs of weakness like there were when Vox was around. So you cried. You cried for all the pain you were feeling now and for all the pain in the past you couldn’t have cried for. You wailed and sobbed and screamed, not caring who heard you, as the chain around your throat tightened unbearably. 

But then there was suddenly a golden glow around your neck and you fell silent. It continued to get brighter, blindly brighter, and you instinctively had to close your eyes. But the light ceased abruptly at the same time as a loud sharp crack rang throughout the room. You held your breath as everything fell silent. 

It took less than a minute later for Lucifer to show up in the exact same spot he had taken off from earlier on the balcony. You hadn’t moved an inch from your spot on the floor. 

“Oh gosh, are you okay?! That was a stupid question- What happened while I was gone? I came back as fast as I could.” he rambled on as his wings disappeared and he rushed forward, sliding down onto his knees in front of you. He looked terrified, his hands froze outstretched between the two of you, simultaneously hesitant of what to do and worried about hurting you further. 

“Is it…is it done? Is it over, Luci?” any strength you had left after the events of the day was now gone, washed away in your flood of tears. 

Lucifer finally decided on a place for his hands and gently placed one over your still-enclosed fist balled in his jacket and the other he molded around the side of your face, cradling your head in his hand. You relished in his touch, leaning into his hand and sighing. “It’s over, ducky. You’re free from that monster. You’re safe.” He caressed his thumb over your cheek as he spoke, his touch no more than that of a feather. You couldn’t help but let a few more tears shed at the sound of the good news, but this time Lucifer was right there with you to help wipe them away. 

[mikajunie]

how to deal with failure when all you know how to do is beat up yourself (as an adhder)

please read this if you are a chronic self-loather like myself.

i used to hate myself for everything i did; the way i talk and walk, my accomplishments, my daily activities, how i cannot keep up with my peers, all that jazz. and especially as a late-diagnosed adhder this gets worse overtime. i ended up getting into a 6-month burnout, failed 3 classes and have to extend one semester, and i had lost my identity as a person.

overall i was just a breathing, walking flesh with depressive thoughts every day.

but after many many months of rediscovering myself, i have come up with the conclusion that life gets easier when i don't fucking hate myself.

shocker, right? ik this is probably like a 'obviously' type of thing, but i think many ppl with adhd can confirm that this is one of the hardest pills to swallow.

but trust me, you don't need to feel bad!!! and i will tell you how to do it down below. pls read, i hope it helps.

(keep in mind im not a psychiatrist or a therapist btw i just wanna help fellow ppl with adhd)

reminder #1: adhd makes you more prone to making mistakes - beating yourself up for every failure is torture.

as people with adhd, we are more prone to making more mistakes and questionable decisions. we are just built that way. we can work on it, but that's our baseline.

self loathing encourages you to beat up your baseline. your default state. your non-productive mode.

beating yourself up for making a mistake is literally like beating up a cat for sleeping. humans are bound to make mistakes, and us with adhd are bound to make more. it's fine, let yourself breathe. im not saying we cannot do anything right or that our mistakes are permissible, but missing an alarm clock or forgetting things we want to say are not surprising. it's just embedded inside us, so either be miserable for the rest of your life or work on reframing your thoughts on failure in general.

reminder #2: you can learn how to be better even if you don't beat yourself up for it

these neurotypical adults who tell you that you should feel bad about failing are stupid. and whoever tell you that negative reinforcement is needed for you to get better are the dumbest motherfuckers ever.

you don't need to feel bad to ge better.

in fact, once you don't feel too bad about it, you can focus more on how to do better in the future instead of replaying the past over and over again.

literally after almost failing college, i only realized that i should not be hard on myself. literally. i remember deciding i should try being nice on myself and now boom! i feel better AND i actually have been working towards fixing my life more and more.

and you know whats the best part?? i can finally start enjoying my life again!!

reminder #3: not everything you do is a failure. seriously.

this is a thought pattern i keep seeing in every person with adhd.

"nothing i can do is right" WRONG!!!! you do some things wrong but you also do some things right!!!! quit discrediting yourself

now try acknowledging your failures:

cry about it first. let yourself sit in and feel your feelings first. you can continue after you finish crying about it

do some form of meditation that helps you clear out your mind. i suggest just 5 minutes or until you don't feel as heavy anymore

let yourself know that failing is an action and consequence, not a part of your identity. it is not you: you are someone who succeeds and fails sometimes. you can fail, but that does not mean everything you do will be a failure.

identify what kind of failure you're thinking about , why you feel so shitty about it, and what you should do for next time. it'd be good if you could write this down. here is an example from me:

failure: failing out of class

what happened: i failed bc i kept procrastinating and ended up sleeping in, so i could not submit on time

consequences of event: i had to retake the class, paid a significant amount of money, and now i cant graduate on time with my friends

why i feel shitty: i feel so left behind and stupid. i feel like this is such a stupid mistake that was easily avoidable.

and now i have so many thoughts in my mind right now, like "how can i be so stupid? how can i be so careless? this is such a stupid mistake."

now notice. if you also think like this, you are actively judging yourself. you are being so mean to yourself, and for what? would you ever told your friends they are so stupid and dumb for making careless mistakes? even if it's stupid, you wouldn't say it to their faces.

after identifying everything, confirm what actually happened, reframe your thoughts, and apologize to yourself:

"How can I be so careless?" -> It's not intentional, and I did try my best to work on it. It's not my fault my executive dysfunction took over the better part of me.

"How can I be so stupid?" -> Just because I cannot initiate tasks as well as the others, it doesn't mean i'm stupid. i am pretty good at other things, i cannot expect myself to be good at everything.

"This is such a stupid mistake." -> It is stupid, and that's... okay. It's fine. I accept it, I'll work on how to make it better in the future.

when you combat negative thoughts, make sure you combat them not only with facts but also with empathy and future action-focused thoughts.

the key is to focus on what you can do now, not what you should have done.

because focusing on the past is very very unhelpful.

now please focus on what you can do now:

Make small goals for the future.

What you should not say:

"I promise I will try harder to focus" -> Nope, you are relying on your ADHD symptom to not be ADHD anymore... which is impossible.

"I promise I won't forget next time" -> Same thing.

"I promise I will make a routine that I will stick to" -> This is too idealist, don't commit to anything for a long run, it's just setting yourself up for more failure.

What you should say instead:

"Next time, I will try to write it down so I won't forget next time" -> Tell yourself the clear steps on what you need to do. You cannot rely on your brain to just be better, come up with actions that can support you!

"Next time, I will set more alarms and ask a friend to remind me. In fact, I will do it now" -> Commit to things you can do immediately! The faster, the better so you won't lose this momentum. Stop thinking that your future self is 100% reliable. Always assume you need to do it as soon as possible to help yourself in the future.

"Next time, I will try out this routine and see if it works or not" -> Experiment with routines. Routines don't last long, so don't give youreelf empty promises. Instead, accept that your routine will chance every once in a while so you need to learn what works or not.

Apologize and forgive yourself

Say sorry to yourself.

It's normal to make mistakes, and it's unrealistic to think you won't make more.

Move on

Seriously. Don't sit on it too much.

Once you know what you need to do to not fail in the future and you have written it down... just let it go.

You don't need to feel bad to grow. You don't need to feel bad to be better.

You are allowed to feel good about yourself.

In fact, you should feel better about yourself now because you are showing your commitment to getting better by reading this long ass post.

Pat yourself in the back.

Failure has its consequences already, you don't need to punish yourself more. Please get something nice.

Failing is EXHAUSTING. Please give yourself a snack or some gaming time.

Allow yourself to breathe.

We are humans, we are not failures. We succeed and fail sometimes, not all the time.

Be nice to yourself, you have been through a lot.

[drdemonprince]

I always used to think about like sending authors I liked letters but somehow that felt too personal and weird but I guess messaging you on tumblr from my torture fetish blog is fine yeah. Anyway I just wanted to say I’ve been a fan of your writing for a while and I’ve always found that even if I disagreed with your ideas, they were thought provoking and made me consider new perspectives, which is something I appreciate. I’m also trans and autistic and I finally got my hands on unmasking autism in my local library and really enjoyed it.

I know I’m not exactly the target audience, as I was diagnosed as a child and don’t mask as much as some autistics, but I actually found I resonated a lot with it and it also helped me empathise more with other autistics I know who do have more of these experiences that I don’t share. I wanted to reflect on the fact that despite knowing I was autistic from an early age, I still feel that I have been pressured into hiding and compensating for my autistic and adhd traits (which I was diagnosed with as an adult, you know, because the previous version of the dsm didn’t let you have both), both intentionally through special education and being penalised for these traits and passively through absorbing societal ableism and prejudice.

Masking is definitely something more intentional for me, and I appreciated that you did touch on how for some of us it is necessary to our survival in certain contexts. I’m a nursing student and while I think I still come off as obviously neurodivergent to a lot of people, I do have a work persona that I find I have to put on, and even in the organising space, I feel that I also have to be more considerate of how I’m socialising and how I come across to others.

I helped found and run the disabled and neurodivergent students society at my university and in doing so I’ve come across a lot of autistics, the majority of whom were diagnosed or self realised as adults and have had to go through a process of unmasking. I have unfortunately found that even among these groups, I still feel the need to mask and I am often judged for my authentic autistic self. I do worry that if I totally unmasked I would actually just not be a pleasant person to be around. I’ve lost friends who have seen me have meltdowns, which can be destructive and distressing for people around me, and I think by nature I am quite blunt, stubborn and maybe don’t have a very agreeable personality, which to me is part of my autism, but other autistics around me still see this as a personal flaw of mine.

I’ve even had to leave a local autism organisation as their policies were very exclusionary and they did not want to listen to feedback or make any changes, and this was mostly attended and run by later realised or diagnosed autistics who seemed to have a lot of internalised and lateral ableism. They intentionally excluded people with learning disabilities from the group and would not let people attend with carers as this made others ‘feel less comfortable sharing their thoughts openly in that space’. I guess I just wanted to highlight this because we still have a long way to go as a community to truly accept our unmasked selves and peers and we need a hell of a lot of societal and structural change for people to truly be able to live authentic lives.

I also just wanted to quickly ask, why do you choose to use neurodiverse as opposed to neurodivergent when talking about people who do not fit societal norms? I always thought that neurodiverse included both neurodivergent and neurotypical people and was more about the diversity of populations, whereas neurodivergent specifically refers to people whose minds diverge from the neurotypical standards. Either way, it was a great read and I will for sure be recommending it to others in my community! Thank you for all your work! -S

Hey thanks for the message!

Oh god yeah, newly realized and newly unmasking Autistics can truly be such nightmares to be around in terms of projecting their internalized ableism at every fuckin body, speaking over nonverbal and intellectually disabled people, prioritizing their own concerns, and insisting upon a singular community point of view. I have some complicated feelings about writing The Book that encourages them and speaks directly to them, because I don't think centering the more privileged and therefore dangerous within a heavily marginalized group necessarily benefits anyone else in said group, and can worsen existing power imbalances... but still, I wrote the book that I desperately had needed when I was still figuring this stuff out, and I'm grateful to hear that some of it still resonated with you and was helpful in conveying how others feel.

I also have determined that in a lot of public spaces I pretty much do have to mask, at least by inhibiting myself heavily, and it's really sad and draining, but it is also the experience of the majority of my Autistic siblings in the world. I have unusual ways of moving, emotions do not come easily or consistently to me, I lack empathy, I find most social exchanges pointless or annoying but still want people to care about me, I am impatient and easily flustered and defensive, I have a somewhat controlling codependent bent and a deep fear of abandonment that can turn manipulative and BPD-y, there is a lot of shit about me that I often feel I need to keep on lock. It is alienating especially when I bump against more respectable and emotionally highly sensitive Autistics who wish to connect in a particular way and are disappointed that I can't give them the glimmering positivity that they like. This is worsened by so many of the aforementioned high masking Autistics being white Midwestern woman socialized and incapable of contending with any negativity or even just neutral even handedness. I know how exhausting that shit is to deal with, is what I'm saying, and honestly sometimes it makes me feel some type of way to see my book being so heralded by people of a kind highly likely to socially aggress against someone like me. But ultimately this is all just pattern recognition and I can't really tell.

As for the neurodiverse/vergent usage it's a long story but basically comes down to some editorial feedback I got at a crucial point in the process. For the sequel, Unmasking for Life, I have gone back to occasionally using neurodivergent, though I prefer neuroconformity / nonconformity as a framework for describing things instead these days. It's not a one to one replacement of the term ND, it's more contextual and flexible and I think a hell of a lot more precise

thanks for writing

[blacknedsoul-blog]

A detailed explanation from my headcanon that Annabel has ADHD

So I had this six fucking hour trip. On a bus. Alone. And I was bored out of my mind, because sitting around being bored is as close to mental torture as it gets for me.

Fortunately, the light at the end of the tunnel: I was inspired. Away from the burnout I have with fanfics, I remembered that I've mentioned this headcanon several times on Nevermore's Discord and just thought, what better time to talk about ADHD than when I'm having a pretty ADHD moment?

But before I start, there are a few little things that need to be pretty clear on the table:

I'm being a bit hypocritical here: in general, I'm deeply against diagnosing fictional characters for two reasons: first, it's an impossible task to distinguish between character traits and symptoms to such an extent that you can go around forever without coming to a real conclusion unless the author of the work confirms it, and second, even if you have the disorder you're talking about, you can fall into the trap of perpetuating stereotypes or generalizing, thereby invalidating other experiences. So even if the tone of this review sounds very assertive, it is because of my writing style. I am in no way diagnosing Annabel; this is an analysis of her character through the lens of a possible disorder.

In relation to the above, where I point out an event in the comic that can be read as a symptom, I am not reducing it to "this only happens because she has ADHD". You CAN'T reduce a person's personality to "they has a disorder," and when I point out these examples, I'm not doing so with the intention of denying the background behind it, but rather pointing out how, under the magnifying glass of having it, it might exacerbate that behavior.

I am NOT a psychologist, a psychiatrist, or a neurologist: I am a woman with ADHD. One who has done a lot of research on the subject, been in therapy with a psychologist who specializes in the disorder, and talked extensively about it both with friends who also have it and with professionals. But I don't have a career in mental health, I don't pretend to, and everything you'll read below is a mixture of research and personal experience.

You're going to see a lot of "we" or "those of us with ADHD" because, as I said, I have it too, but this is all a generalization made for the sake of flow. The symptoms of this disorder can be expressed in many different ways, and not everyone has all of them (for example, there are some that I don't have, but it would be strange to change the voice of the text just because of that, it makes it harder to read). If you have ADHD and read a symptom and think "hey, I don't get that", that's perfectly normal. Your experience is valid and I don't want to pass it on. But it would be exhausting for me and for the reader to use tentative phrases all the time.

If this text resonates too much with you, I strongly recommend that you see a professional, if you're able, and not self-diagnose: ADHD has many symptoms in common with autism and other neuro divergences, don't risk misdiagnosis.

If you have a different opinion than mine on this subject and want to share it with me, I'll be happy to read it, if I don't answer it's because I forgot (forgive me?). But you can be sure that I will read it.

Anyway, let's get started.

What is ADHD?

According to the NIH (National Institute of Mental Health) website, this is the definition of ADHD:

Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is marked by an ongoing pattern of inattention and/or hyperactivity-impulsivity that interferes with functioning or development. People with ADHD experience an ongoing pattern of the following types of symptoms:

Inattention means a person may have difficulty staying on task, sustaining focus, and staying organized, and these problems are not due to defiance or lack of comprehension.

Hyperactivity means a person may seem to move about constantly, including in situations when it is not appropriate, or excessively fidgets, taps, or talks. In adults, hyperactivity may mean extreme restlessness or talking too much.

Impulsivity means a person may act without thinking or have difficulty with self-control. Impulsivity could also include a desire for immediate rewards or the inability to delay gratification. An impulsive person may interrupt others or make important decisions without considering long-term consequences.

Here is an impression that needs to be clarified: ADHD is more about an inability to regulate attention than a lack of it. A neurotypical person may choose to focus on a task to get it done, we may procrastinate to death because even if we want to, we can't focus on it, or stand there absorbed in it ad infinitum until the house falls down around us (and we may still have trouble noticing). This is understood, Understanding all this, here is the list of Annabel's behaviors that could be interpreted as symptoms.

Hyperactivity

One thing that not everyone knows is that hyperactivity is not about running around like an uncontrolled animal. It can manifest itself in many ways, and there are many types: physical, mental, and even emotional.

In Annabel's case, she seems to be the first two types.

Perhaps due to her difficulty in expressing emotions, it is quite obvious at this point in the comic that her moods are made explicit through gestures: playing with her rings when she is happy or nervous, touching the ribbon around her neck in moments of anxiety, or playing with her hair almost as a default state.

Annabel.

Doesn't.

Sit.

Still.

Never.

It is also clear that Annabel is always planning something. Always.

This can be read into the logic of mental hyperactivity: when you have it, your brain just doesn't stop. Ever. And that's something that resonates with this lady.

Emotional Dysregulation

The part of the brain that regulates our moods works…erratically. Not to say it doesn't work at all.

This leads to a painfully common problem in women with ADHD: lack of emotional regulation is seen as drama, and instead of being taught tools to deal with it, we are taught to repress and bottle up emotions.

Annabel has highly internalized this as a defense mechanism. But here's the thing: if repressing emotions instead of learning how to deal with them in a healthy way is harmful, being biologically unable to regulate them can be even worse.

It touches the right nerves, and if you catch us flying low, it can cause explosive outbursts.

Possibly violent reactions to feeling offended or uncomfortable.

Or completely over-the-top reactions that we can't control.

And it's not just anger that's affected, it's the whole emotional spectrum. Another emotion that is very noticeable is fear. If we don't develop tools to help us calm down, we don't get scared, we panic.

If this happens too often, we can become prone to developing severe anxiety or frequent attacks.

We may also have great difficulty dealing with frustration. Our brains love rewards, and feeling that we're not getting them because of our own inability to do something can be downright annoying. And if we don't have the tools to express our frustration appropriately, we can have quite childish reactions, ranging from temper tantrums to…pouting.

I find it funny how several of these pouts are caused by Lenore, a bit like "Oh, come on, honey, what are we talking about?"

Another important thing to note here is that one of the most fucked up and notorious symptoms of this lack of emotional regulation is RSD, short for Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, defined as "a problem that interferes with your ability to regulate your emotional responses to feelings of failure and rejection. While rejection is almost always unpleasant, people with RSD experience overwhelming levels of emotional pain. This can lead to long-term mental health problems, fear of failure, and behavioral changes that negatively affect them throughout their lives."

Rejection and fear of failure are a problem for us. So much so that we may seek strategies to avoid it as much as possible, even when it causes us problems (such as not completing a task for fear of doing it wrong). This is an issue that can tear us apart emotionally.

Annabel is terrified of being rejected or despised. Her whole life has been built around appearances and getting the right people interested in her. If she can't do that, what good is she?

And that's something that comes up a lot in her relationship with Lenore. Repeatedly, in fact, but my favorite has to be this one:

Annabel thought it would be the smart thing to do to break that bond because she knows they're never going to see each other again. But the look on her face when Lenore calls her a "damn liar" is just painful to watch. I think ripping her heart out with a rusty spoon would have hurt less.

Finally, on the subject of things that aren't so funny: that thing Annabel does about biting her fingers when she's in a critical situation is something I used to do, too (only I'd bite my knuckles or palms).

My psychologist explained to me that when you feel like you're losing control, you immediately look for something to ground you, and unfortunately, physical pain is often a quick (if damaging) way to do that.

Codependency

Okay, here's a thing: it's not that we have a tendency as such to codependency, but this is a situation that can occur due to bad practices within a relationship. Especially a couple one.

As it stands out, people with ADHD can have a lot of problems with micromanaging ourselves, remembering things, dealing with our emotions, etc, etc, etc. And it is natural for close friends, family or our partner to help in those processes.

The problem arises when that help starts to become a parentification process where the partner who is providing support starts to do this on behalf of the other person, infantilizing them in the process.

This is a cocktail for resentment on both sides: the party calling the shots can easily feel that the other is putting a huge burden on their shoulders and not trying hard enough, while, on the other side, no one likes to feel like they are being treated like a child. Let alone that the person doing it is your partner.

But at the other end of resentment, there's codependency.

The constant feeling that you are a burden, insufficient or even disposable.

And that means you have a lot to make up for. On a regular basis. So much that you put yourself in a situation where you have to make horrible decisions so that someone else doesn't have to because somehow you owe it to them, who hasn't had that happen?

What I mean is that yes, Annabel feels like she owes this to Lenore because she only remembers the part where Lenore came kicking in doors to save her from a marriage she didn't want. And if she can't do this for her, she doesn't deserve a relationship.

Feeling inadequate, that your partner is doing you some kind of favor by tolerating you and ending up idealizing their in the process is obviously not unique to the neurodivergent experience.

But we try, we try really hard and, like anyone else, we like to feel that the effort we put in is seen and valued.

If we are not careful about that, we do indeed fall into the risk of becoming codependent. The desire to feel loved or valued becomes a constant hunger for validation from which it is difficult to escape because we are aware that our brain will never function in a different way. And if that is mixed with RSD, it can become an even bigger problem.

Novelty, games, challenges, and rewards

Producing dopamine on a normal basis is one thing our brains aren't very good at (one of the reasons we can be prone to depression, for example), but you know what they love? Challenges and rewards.

New things feed our endless curiosity, but for some reason unknown to me, our brains really love challenges and dares. They give us dopamine like we're on a high.

So much so that some people use it as a tactic to perform tasks they don't like: "How many dishes can I wash before my dinner is ready?", "If I can finish this in less than 30 minutes, I can go get chocolate."

One medium we may like very much for this reason is games. Board games, card games, or virtual games. It doesn't matter. Games provide a very good balance of challenge and reward.

If you see that Annabel seems overly interested in how this works, it's because there may be a part of her that thinks "aside from the deadly situation we're in…this is like the most hardcore escape room ever" and inevitably there's something here that stirs her bug.

It may be something she loves about Lenore. As a good hypocrite, Annabel despises the rules she knows so well, so when Lenore comes along with this gimmick and completely changes the paradigm of what she knows, there is inevitably something that appeals to her. Others who are good at the game look down on Lenore's disdain for the rules, to Annabel it is fucking appealing because it offers a range of unexplored possibilities that she fucking loves.

Erratic Communication

When our brains are running at full speed, communication can become a challenge, and we tend to exhibit erratic patterns.

One of these is info-dumping. Touch a topic we know about or are interested in and it's like stepping on a landmine: we explode talking about it. Non-stop. You'll have to hit us to shut us up.

Another thing is that we can have a bad habit of interrupting. A lot. It's not malicious, it's just that we're really into the conversation and want to participate as much as possible.

That said, even if we're extroverts, it can be a nightmare to withhold information or participate in a conversation if it doesn't grab our attention. It's not that we want to be disrespectful or anything, it's just that, again, we have no control over our ability to pay attention and we're swimming against the tide to hold on to whatever it is you're telling us.

This scene is something I've seen in friends with ADHD and have been told I do: stare at people while doing your best to do the hamster run to remember what they're telling you because you know it's important, even though your brain is putting it together with junk information because it's not engaging your attention in the right way.

Ignore the murderous stare part, it's not that common - at least I hope not.

Drinks that are like a pill

Our brains are not designed to produce certain hormones naturally or, in some cases, they produce them under other circumstances. For things like that, we can take pills, develop strategies to help our brains produce hormones.

And drink coffee. Lots of coffee.

Caffeine can be extremely relaxing for us because it can actually help our brains keep functioning, you know that stereotype of the highly coded ADHD character who drinks coffee like it's his life? Well, that's because.

You know what other beverage has a similar effect? Tea. Theine is also a natural activator, perhaps less aggressive than coffee, but it can have a similar effect.

If you're interested in describing this topic in fanfic or touching on it in fanart, tea should have a relaxing effect on Annabel and even help her concentrate.

Boredom

We get bored. A lot. And we get painfully bored. Here's what happens: boredom is caused by a lack of stimulation, and our brains aren't stimulated just because we can't regulate our attention to seek out that stimulation.

Add to that the fact that when we are bored, without dopamine hitting our receptors, our executive functions diminish and we function like shit.

Boredom

Is

Fucking

Murder

Because our brain starts desperately asking for dopamine and we can fall into really unhealthy behaviors like fighting, being chronically online, or eating because we can't find anything better to do. This also contributes -again- to our depression or anxiety.

Conclusions (and if I don't make the joke, I'll die)

In the book ADHD After Dark (a study of ADHD, relationships, and physical intimacy), Ari Tuckman draws some interesting conclusions, one of which is that on a statistical level, people with ADHD seem to be more likely to have what he calls "sexual eagerness": kinks, fetishes, a tendency to be adventurous in bed, and the like. Again, our brains love play, and both intimacy and flirtation can involve a lot of it.

So…

Um…

…well, I think Lenore will be happy. Good for her.

Anyway, this has been a seriously long explanation. Thanks for reading this far.

[definatelymrhyde]

THE JEKYLL AND HYDE

EXPERIMENT

THE FINDINGS

Breaks

I, being the Jekyll in this experiment managed to break my facade only twice. Here’s the info.

Break One: 2:27 PM, Reason: Ashyde reading out the ‘How to fight an ostrich’ wiki how page.

Break Two: 4:04 PM, Reason: Ashyde talking about ‘T posing and back flipping. Imagine it in your head im t posing and back flipping to assert my dominance and how im better than you. You can’t do this so im better.’ Etc etc

Notes Taken During The Course Of The Experiment

-It’s a lot harder to ignore than you would think

-You eventually get used to it, but some things still catch you off guard (See breaks)

-The noise from Ashyde was much easier to ignore when engaging with other people

-Having conversations was mildly harder and required a lot more focus than it should

-I have experience in scare acting and this was scary, spooky even. Someone constantly being in your head and commenting on your surroundings is terrifying just a little bit.

-Keeping a placid smile on your face helps a lot

-Singing songs and sing-songing isn’t annoying or distracting. It just feels like you have a song stuck in your head.

-The longer you ignore the ‘Hyde’ the more they ‘Hyde’ starts to go stir crazy and starts getting more and more creative

-Ashyde has an identity crisis after not being able to get me to be too annoyed and/or break more than I did. He said it felt like torturing himself in the process of trying to torture me!

-In moments where Ash was silent for a few minutes, I almost got nervous about when he was going to come back, what was going to happen, what I would get taunted with next etc

-After the hours of nonstop talking in my head, my mind feels weird and empty after two inner monologues existing in my head. I have ADHD, my mind has never felt this empty before.

The Final Takeaway

Jesus Christ. Props to TGS Jekyll for dealing with stuff like this for TWO YEARS. Because OH MY GOD. This was insane. Jekyll has a steel will and is a phenomenal actor in order to pull of everything he does the way he does. If we ever do this again? Well, I’ll make sure to write more notes because this was interesting.

Thanks to everybody who followed along with the experiment!! If anybody has any more specific questions about how we did it, things that happened over the six-seven hour call and any things you’d like to add please contact me through discord to those who have it or here on my Tumblr!! I don’t bite I promise!!!

[bonefall]

So, I'm writing an essay on the whole STATE of misogyny in WC for one of my university classes, and I was wondering if I could ask you a couple of things! No pressure of course, please feel free to say no!

A) Could I reference your good takes with appropriate harvard referencing and links back to your blog?

B) Are there any specific moments from the books that you think should be covered the most?

C) The end result will be a visual essay, so it's like those fun infographics people on Tumblr make on like ADHD and stuff, so when it's done, would you like to be tagged to read it?

(Sorry for anon, I'm nervous lmao, but if you'd be more comfortable I'll resend this off anon)

AAY good topic! You've got a lot to work with. Absolutely feel free to reference anything I've written, and tag me when you're done.

While you're here and about to write something so legitimate, I'm also going to recommend you check out Sunnyfall's video on gender in Warrior Cats. She breaks down the arcs into numbers, directly comparing the amount of lines mollies have to toms, and examining the archetypes women are usually allowed to be.

I think it's a must-have citation in a paper about WC misogyny.

...and, I think it's insightful to look at the WCRP Forum thread about the video. Note how the respondents immediately come into the thread to complain about how the video is too long so they didn't watch it, dismissing Sunnyfall as not being entertaining enough to hold their attention, even whining that she starts with statistics to prove her point, which I'm convinced she did exactly because they would have cried that she "had no evidence" if she didn't.

I am not a scholar, so I don't know how to document or prove that the books have an impact on the audience outside of anecdotes. But I think if you do write a section about fandom, it would be worth mentioning the in-universe and metatextual apologia for Ashfur and its reflection in the real world discourse, the authorial killing of Ferncloud because of fan complains, and the utter defensiveness against the discussion of misogyny you see outside of Tumblr.

You may also want to check out Cheek by Jowl, a collection of 8 essays about sexism in xenofiction by Ursula K. Le Guin. There's a very unique manifestation of authorial bias in animal fiction, having a lot to do with how the author views "the natural world," and it's worth understanding even though Warrior Cats are so heavily anthropomorphized.

So... Warrior Cats Misogyny

I think discussing individual instances can be helpful, but I'd implore you to keep in mind what's REALLY bad about WC's misogyny is framing and the bigger picture.

Bumble's death is shocking and insulting, but it's not just that she died. It's that the POV Gray Wing sees her as a fat, useless bitch who took his mate so she deserves to be dragged back to a domestic abuser, and he's right because the writers love him so much. It's that Bumble's torture and killing only factors into how it's going to hurt a man's reputation.

It's how Clear Sky hitting, emotionally manipulating, or killing the following women,

Bright Stream (pressured into leaving her home and family)

Storm (controlled her movements and yelled at her in public)

Misty (killed for land, children stolen)

Bumble (beaten unconscious, blamed nonsensically on a fox)

Alder (child abuse, hit when she refused to attack her brother)

Falling Feather (scratched on the face, subjected to public abuse and humiliation)

Tall Shadow (thrown into murderous crowd, attacked on-sight in heaven)

Rainswept Flower ("blacked out" in anger and murdered in cold blood)

Moth Flight (scratched on the face for saying denying medical treatment is mean, taken hostage in retaliation against mother for the death of his own child, which he caused)

Willow Tail (eyes gouged out for "stirring up trouble")

Is seen as totally understandable, forgivable, or not even questioned at all, when killing Gray Wing in an act of rage would have been "one step too far" with the ridiculous Star Line.

"Kill me and live with the memory, and then let the stars know it would only matter if a single one of your murder victims was a man."

It's the way that fathers who physically abuse their kids out of their ego (Clear Sky, Sandgorse, Crowfeather) aren't treated anywhere near the same level of narrative disgust and revulsion the series has for "bad moms", even if they're displaying symptoms of a post-partum mood disorder (depression, anxiety, and rage), an umbrella of mental illnesses 20% of all new mothers experience but are heavily stigmatized with (Sparkpelt, Palebird, Lizardstripe).

It's Crookedstar's Promise giving him two evil maternal figures in a single book, while bending over backwards to make every man in a position of power still look likeable in spite of the fact they're enabling Rainflower's abuse. Leader Hailstar is soso sorry that he has to change Stormkit's name for some reason, in spite of leaders being unaccountable dictators the other 99% of the time, and Deputy Shellheart functionally does nothing to stop his own son from being abused or even do much parenting before or after the fact.

It's the way men's parental struggles are seen sympathetically, and they don't have to "pay for it" like their female counterparts (Crookedstar's PPD vs Sparkpelt's PPD, how Daisy and Cinders are held responsible for Smoky and Whisper being deadbeats, Yellowfang's endless guilt for killing her son vs Onestar's purpose in life to kill his own), even to the point where a father doesn't have to have raised their kids at all to have a magical innate emotional connection to them (Tree's father Root, Tom the Wifebeater, Tigerstar and Hawkfrost).

It's less speaking lines and agency for female characters, being reduced to accessories in the lives of their mates and babies, women getting less diversity in their personalities, with even major ex-POV characters eventually becoming "sweet mom" tropes.

You could zoom in on any one of these examples and have an amoeba try to argue with you that "Oh THIS makes sense because X" or "Ah well my headcanon perfectly explains this thing" or "MY mother/girlfriend was abusive/toxic/neglectful and I've decided that you are personally attacking ME by having issues with how a character was written or utilized," but the beleaguered point,

That I keep trying to hammer in, over and over, across books worth of posts,

Is that these are trends. More than just a couple one-off examples. It's the fabric that has been woven over years, showing a lack of interest in, or even active prejudice of, women on behalf of the writers.

LONG STANDING trends, which have only gotten worse as the series progressed. From Yellowfang being harshly punished with a born evil son who ruins her life in TPB and the mistreatment of Squirrelpaw that begins in TNP, all the way up to the 7 Fridgenings of DOTC and Sparkpelt's PPD being a major character motivator for her son Nightheart.

So, I would stress that in your paper, and structure it less as "the Sparkpelt slide" and "the Yellowfang slide," and more as "The paternal vs maternal abuse" slide, and "the violence against women" slide. They're really big issues, there's tons of examples for each individual thing.

Anyway to leave off on a funny, look at this scene in Darkest Hour that I find unreasonably hilarious,

"Everyone who matters to me; my truest friend, my sensible and loyal warrior, the wisest deputy I've ever known, and 2 women." -Firestar, glorious idiot

He can't even think of a single trait for either of them what the hell does "formidable pair" mean lmaooo, when I finished a reread about a year ago this line killed me on impact.

[blueberrybeomgyu]

⚠️ shop closing for maintenance ⚠️

hi lovely!!

if u see this message, i hope it finds you in good health ❤️❤️ i just wanted to let you know that finals are coming up for me, which means back to back essays </3 i won't be able to post a story until probably winter break, which starts in december. in the meantime, i'll still be writing bc i need a way to cope w all the torture im abt to be put through (aka homework), and hopefully when i come back, i'll have a lot of new things for you to read <33

in the meantime, i'm still logged in, so feel free to send me asks and requests !! i'll still post drabbles & ideas, but full fic requests will probably take a few weeks to come out.

wish me luck !! my adhd is abt to be put through the wringer 🤕🤕

-berry <3333

[discount-shades]

Contract Spouse Chapter 2

Chapter 2: The Letter

A/N: Not so much this chapter but this fic is going to get dark at times, it's not going to be as fluffy like Sleepy Baby.

Pairing: Jake Seresin/Reader (nicknamed Pip)

Warning:  Angst,  

Length: 2000ish

Summary: Jake tells the Dagger Squad about Pip.

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You roll your shoulders and send off the final few texts and emails of the day, checking the time you sign off at 5:00PM. Being a virtual assistant had its perks. You got to wear yoga pants all day and there was no commute, but the biggest perk was the fact you were able to work two jobs. 

One was a fairly involved executive assistant position at a growing company that took up most of your time. The other was as a glorified Google Calendar, keeping your extremely ADHD boss from missing deadlines, meetings, and anything else important. 

The downside was a large L-shaped desk with three monitors set up in your bedroom. You had a business degree but when the opportunity evolved out of your part time administrative assistant job, you had taken it. When you had found yourself with a couple hours of down time during your work day you had subtly asked around and had gotten a second job managing your other bosses emails and calendar.

You walked into the kitchen you would be sharing with Sami until the end of the month. After over five years of it being the two of you she had finally decided to move in with her boyfriend of two years. You were happy for her but unsure of your own future. Should you renew your lease? Find a smaller, cheaper, single bedroom place? Get a roommate? You didn’t know what you wanted to do and time was running out.

That was a lie, you know what you wanted to do but it was impossible. You wanted to move in with your husband, drop everything and move across the country to be with him. But it’s not that kind of marriage, you tell yourself for what feels like the millionth time. It has never been.

Jake had been your teenage crush. Your best friend's handsome big brother, nothing would ever come of it. But when you needed him, he had married you, he had even called you almost daily to keep up the pretense that your marriage was real. 

With every phone call you had fallen further and further in love with your husband. He was sweet, funny, caring, and supportive. You’ve never told anyone of your feelings but sometimes you think Sami suspects it. 

You knew Jake went on dates and hooked up with women. You have tried going on dates, and one night stands, but could never get over the guilt. The feeling that you were cheating on Jake. 

You again consider divorcing him. It would be easier. You could date and start a real relationship. You knew how this train of thought would end. You would have yourself convinced you were going to call it quits and then Jake would call and say ‘hello’ in a tone of voice that told you he was smiling and you would be sucked right back in.

He would sign the divorce papers the minute you asked but you kept torturing your heart. You knew you couldn’t keep waiting forever, knew that eventually you would have to move on but you couldn’t. Not yet, anyway.

– – –

You hear keys in the lock and the door open and glance at the time, it’s 12:30 AM, “You're past curfew.” You can hear Sami chuckle as she walks in and drops two envelopes on your head. 

“I get your mail for you and all I get is sass.” She flops down on the couch beside you. “Are you watching Downton Abbey again?” she groans as you just shrug. 

“I want your final month here to be exactly the same as the past five years of us living together.” You grin at her rolling eyes. “You going out and having fun, and me staying in, watching a period drama.” 

“Goodnight, Dork.” You can hear the fondness in her voice as she gets up and heads to bed. You look at the envelopes, one is a reminder to renew your car insurance, the other has the NCIS emblem. Frowning you open it and your jaw drops as you read the letter inside. It has come to our attention… marriage under contract… opening an investigation…. 

“Shit.”

You scramble and grab your phone, quickly calling Jake, when he doesn't answer you try him again. You are taken aback by a woman's voice answering and feel a twinge of jealousy and guilt. You had always told yourself that you would never negatively impact Jake's life while married to him and you hope you didn’t ruin something by calling him like this.

After rambling at the woman on the phone you hang up and stare at your reflection on the black screen. You are so lost in thought that you jump when Jake's face pops up with an incoming call.

“Pip? What's wrong? Are you hurt?” His sounds worried and, despite this, you immediately relax at the sound of his voice. 

“I’m ok, I’m sorry!” You are talking in a rush. “I didn't mean to ruin your date.” 

“I’m not on a date.” You sag in relief at his response. Happy you didn’t ruin his date or happy he is not on a date, you’re not sure.

“I got a letter,” You stare at the paper in your hand. “Jake, someone reported our marriage.”

“Shit.”

“That's what I said.” You reread bits of the letter to him, giving Jake a moment to process. “It says they are going to be interviewing people who know us,” you pause, ”Jake, I haven't told anyone about us.” Running your hand through your hair, you bite your lip in nerves. “I don’t have a lot of friends or share personal details.”

“I’ll tell the squad.” You can hear it in his voice when he shifts into protector mode. “Rooster owes me his life so he’ll lie for us.” His voice is tense when he says that, bitter in the way he always gets when he talks about the things he never speaks of. “And don't forget the fake marriage plans. No one can say we don’t have a relationship.”

“Yeah,” you agree. “I’ll scan the letter and email it to you.” 

“Thanks, I’m going to head home. I’ll call you when I get there.” You agree and go to hang up but Jake stops you. “It’s going to be alright, you planned for this.” You agree softly. “I love you, Pip. We got this.”

“I love you too,” your reply is quiet and automatic as you hang up the phone, rising to go scan the letter. Jake always said he loved you. It had started as a cover when the two of you were together at a military event, that as his wife, you couldn’t avoid. He had urged you to do the same jokingly.

“I love you, Pip.” His cheeky grin melted and hardened your heart.  “Now tell me you love me too, and make sure I believe it.” 

 After years of saying it you were sure he meant it, in his own way, Just not in the same way you meant it every time the words crossed your lips.

– – – 

Jake rubs his head as he stares at his teammates, he had been up late last night talking to Pip. He had asked them to meet him in the parking lot after training where they could not be overheard. “I need to tell you guys something that if anyone asks you’ve always known.”  

The faces around him show a variety of emotions. Coyote is resigned, but then again, he already knows. Rooster and Fanboy look giddy with excitement, like little kids about to be told a secret. Phoenix’s eyes are narrowed in suspicion. Only Payback and Bob have mastered a look of polite interest. 

“Pip, the woman on the phone, she’s my wife.” 

Jake registers the feeling of his head jerking to the side a millisecond before the pain of the slap hits him and causes his left cheek to bloom red. “Jesus Christ Phoenix!” Jake raises his hand to his cheek, shock on his face. “What the fuck was that?”

Phoenix is subtly flexing her hand to shake out the pain from the slap. “You go home with a different woman every night you can!” Rage is clouding her eyes. “You’re telling me you have been cheating on some poor woman all this time?” Rooster moves forward and places himself between Jake and Phoenix.

“Ow! No!” Jake’s cheek feels hot. “It’s a fucking marriage of convenience!” He runs his tongue on the inside of his cheek, searching for the telltale metallic taste of blood, but it's not there. “She was sick and needed health care so I married her when I was still in flight school.”

“Is she better?” Trust Bob to do the decent thing and be concerned with the health of a stranger.

“You know, Phoenix, you should listen to your Wizzo more.” Jake says, gingerly feeling the warmth of his cheek. “Ask questions first, instead of slapping.”

“You’ve had it coming on some level,” Phoenix says without remorse before repeating Bob's question. “Is she better Hangman?”

“She's fine, it's been over five years.” 

“Why’d you stay married?” Payback asks. He’s the only other married member of the squad.

Jake shrugs, “the money, and the spousal benefits helped her.” He knows that's not the truth. At least not the whole truth but he doesn’t want to get into the hollow little feeling in his chest every time he thinks about ending the charade. 

“How’d you meet?” Roster asks. 

“She’s my baby sister's best friend.” Jake waits for Rooster to do the math. Rooster and Sami had crossed paths before and Jake had warned Rooster to stay away from his younger sister.

“Jesus, Hangman, was she a child bride?” 

“No!” Jake rubs his face in defeat. “She was eighteen, and it's not that type of marriage, it's just a piece of paper.”

“So why are you telling us this now?” Phoenix crosses her arms and looks at Jake expectantly. 

“Pip got a letter.” Jake sighs. “Someone reported our marriage as fake and now we are being investigated.”

“Shit,” Fanboy muses, “do they have a case?” Jake looks at him in exasperation. Fanboy was brilliant at his job, but some days Jake suspected all other available mental real estate was taken up with nerd trivia leaving no space for common sense.

“Yes Fanboy, they do have a case.” Jake rolls his eyes before continuing. “We talk on the phone and have a joint bank account but we’ve never lived together, most of it can be explained away through health, deployments, and her university.”

“So what do you need us to do?” Payback asks.

“Just pretend you have always known I was married.” Jake looks around at everyone nodding. “Pip hasn’t told anyone so you will have to prove that it wasn’t a secret. Coyote was a witness so he has legal proof of knowing.”

“Don’t worry man.” Rooster claps him on the shoulder. “We've got your back.”

“Thank you.” Jake says sincerely. “I’m diving to Austin at the end of the month. Pip’s lease with my sister is up and she’s going to move in with me to make it look real.”

Coyote nods. “That makes sense, this is the first long term posting you’ve had since she finished University.”

“Sooo, yeah,” Jake spreads his arms out helplessly. “In conclusion, I’ve been married to Pip for six years and you have always known. Any questions?”

“Why do you call her Pip?” Fanboy asks, “What's her real name?”

Jake tells them your name. “She always looked so short next to my sister so I called her Pipsqueak. Pip for short.”

After a few more questions everyone walks to their cars and leaves. Phoenix hangs back until it is just her and Jake. “You did the right thing marrying her.” She motions to the red that has not faded from his cheek. “I feel a little bad that I hit you so hard.”

“You could have not hit me at all.”

“Don’t push your luck Hangman.” She walks to her car before turning around. “Rooster’s right though, we’ve got your back.”

[fireheartedpup]

Okay. So. Ashwaganda.

I lost the post about the supplement from a troll company that was marketing it as hormone replacement therapy. The doses were high enough to send you into serotonin syndrome, and it doesn't replace estrogen. It encourages your body to make the hormones it's already making.

This was in 2023, and the website quickly vanished after backlash.

The thing is, ashwaganda is a mood stabilizer. I'm wondering if it's possible to feel better before the serotonin syndrome. Is the dosage high enough that you feel funny immediately, or does it seem like life is so good that this miracle pill couldn't possibly be bad for you?

Once it starts, it sounds like torture. I'm just wondering about the lead up. The poster who was quoted on that post said that ashwaganda taken in that dosage could cause it in "as little as a month," so what does the lead up feel like?

I don't take medication, so I haven't worried too much about interactions. That said, it's good to know that it can conflict with medications for blood pressure, thyroid, sleep, immunosuppression, and diabetes.

This is mostly because it has similar effects--so again, too much can tip you over from "this helps" to "this is a threat to my safety."

There are other natural things that raise serotonin levels, like ginkgo, and I thought they were mentioned in one of links I included but I can find the paragraph I'm thinking of.

...this could be due to the fact that ginseng can also raise serotonin levels, and I might have misremembered it.

Probiotics, vitamin D, and fish oil can also raise serotonin, as can tryptophan and exercise. Rhodiola is another adaptogen that can help with things like ADHD, and St. John's Wort is also on that list.

There's a lot. I actually left out green tea and turmeric. Oh, and 5-htp. That one I'm careful with. It makes me feel drugged.

Coffee and artificial sweeteners can decrease serotonin, so I'm not terribly bothered. If it's not consumed in high doses or alongside something it shouldn't be combined with, it should be okay.

I'm also not consistent with anything, and in the case of the supplements where it's better to take breaks instead of simply continuing to take them every single day for a long period of time, this works for me.

The thing that made me take a second look at adaptogens in general is that my period is almost a week late.

Remember how it adjusts your hormones? Yeah, a lot of people have this reaction--and it can make your period lighter. I'm mostly finding anecdotes from reddit, but there is a study about it helping with perimenopause.

My periods have never been super consistent. I have a rough idea of when they're going to come, but the cycle isn't exact. So this doesn't bother me a ton, but it's enough for some people to want to switch to an alternative method of controlling things like anxiety.

I'm already questioning whether my hormones are out of whack or not, so that's part of it.

I just think it's interesting. "Natural alternatives" are marketed as safer, without side effects. My experience has been that no matter what you do, you're throwing spaghetti at a wall to see what sticks--and you still need to look up everything you take to see if it's going to interact with anything else.

It would be nice if going to a doctor fixed this problem. Unfortunately, I've read too many stories about patients having to look things up for themselves, even after going to doctor after doctor.

It's like the pegboard with red string.

Anyway. My takeaway is still that what will fix your problems is appropriate treatment for your body. Unfortunately, this is different for everyone, and pretty much requires you to make a lifelong study of what to take and what the side effects are--no matter if you're taking supplements or drugs.

I'm still on the adaptogen train because I don't have to beg a doctor for help or make an appointment or beg a doctor to listen to me when it turns out that I need a change in my treatment plan or get registered as "really, she needs this" in order to get the thing that will help me.

I'm just. You know. Wondering. About what this is going to mean for my period going forward.

(And I'm going to have to research every single other thing I'm taking to see what the crossovers are.)

IMPORTANT: Ashwaganda can cause spontaneous abortion. Do not listen to anyone who says that adaptogens are safe to take during pregnancy. CHECK FIRST.

[epic-sorcerer]

warning: childhood suicide

a 10 year old boy named Sammy teusch was on the news because he committed suicide. Because of bullying. As someone who attempted suicide just 2 days before my 7th birthday, this story hit really, really hard. RIP sammy. I heard on the news that he spent his birthday money on gifts for his parents and his vacation time in Florida picking up trash.

I see that ther were people in the comments shocked that a 10 year old would know about suicide, one even claimed it was “fishy.” I can understand where this point of view can come from if you had a comparably easier childhood.

the rest of this post is to provide context as to what it feels to be a young, bullied kid with suicidal ideation.

the thing is, you don’t need to know about suicide to want it so desperately. I didn’t know about suicide when I was that age. But I DID know people could die. I did know that once a body is dead, there is no pain. And there are no ears to listen to horrible words anymore. Or eyes to see everyone else having fun and being friends with each other.

point is, people can suffer at all ages. So can they be desperate to end it quickly. Some of you reading this may remember the comic I made about my birthday, detailing how I commited suicide due to my greif of my grandmother dying. That is true, but god there was so much more going on that couldn’t fit on 4 panels.

at 3 my parents noticed I had something wrong with me that caused a lot of pain, but I would not be daignosed with AMPS(also known as the suicide disease, so go figure) until I was 7.5 years old. Even then, I wouldn’t really make any headway until extremely recently. I also had undiagnosed adhd, anxiety, seasonal affective disorder(depression), dyslexia and dyscalculia.

I was in constant torture in my mind and body. I was being emotionally abused at home(emotional distress and trauma feeds into amps so it was also physical in a way), had an ableist and just horrible first grade teacher, was isolated from most of my peers if not bullied, had no idea why my head was so stupid and broken, and yeah. My grandmother was dead. Still dead.

of course I wanted to die. Who wouldn’t? I had already been showing self harming behaviors by 5 or 6, so it wasn’t a thought that was out of left feild.

I have memories of my mom driving me to school in the mornings. I would go on monologues about how much I wished to die. Over and over and over. I talked about it like it was a summer vacation, or I guess, a perminant summer vacation. Because that is what it was to me. I belived I had suffered enough in my life and that I was ready to just do away with it. No more suffering. No more suffering.

On November 28th, my grandmother’s death date, I attempted suicide. I wrote a note on my white bored in my room that I was running away. But to please not throw away my stuff just yet incase I come back. Then I left my home. Thankfully my mom got to me quickly and took me home.

I am not so sure hwo to end this, I was not magically cured that day. I even graduated to cutting my feet with sharp objects soon after. But yeah, that’s my story. Questions are extremly welcome, creating awareness about this is important to me so don’t be shy. Thanks for reading

And oh yeah, ok to reblog. Actually encouraged for awareness tbh

[whalyrae]

THE OLD GUARD CHAPTER 2

"We don’t get a say on how it ends, we never have. But we can control how we live."

Summary : You are a powerful witch, cursed and hurt through ages. Owner of your esoteric shop, you were resigned to live this lonely life when the powerful magic of soulmates and fate came to you.

Pairing : poly BTS x reader (she/her)

Genre : soulmate au, demons bts au, witch y/n au, fluff, angst, eventual smut, polyamory relationships

Status : In process

Word Count : 4.3k

Warnings : eventual smut, angst, mention of depression, death, suicide, past trauma, violence, blood, past (sexual) abuse, past torture, PTSD, scars, self harm, and more.

Tag list :  @blackrockshooter780 @babyymeme @starrlo0ver @suckerforv @mushroom-main @m1sss1mp @prettydancingdamzel

A/N : IT'S HERE !! The big one.... Took so much time to write this part... Unlike Dance With me, the chapters here are longer, and will therefore take longer to be published. I like to take my time writing… plus with my adhd it's hard sometimes to stay focused especially since I have my finals coming up soon and I have to study… AND I have a lot of mental breakdowns where I want to delete everything because I have no confidence in myself and my writing skills LOL

Ah, thank you so so much for all the loves you give with this story with all the likes and the shares and the comments ! Love y'all ♥

Masterlist | ao3 | wattpad

Chapter 1 // Chapter 3

☾ ☾ ☾ ☾ ☾ ☾ ☾ ☾ 

When Namjoon returned home, saying he was ecstatic was a euphemism. He’d finally found her. Their last soul mate. After all these years. He met her by accident in a shop that his friend had recommended to him. What was the probability? Shit, he should thank Bangchan properly. He will be eternally grateful to him. 

But her reactions when they met worried him. Something happened to her. Something that frightened her at the thought of bonding with her soulmates. They needed to know everything about her. Her past, her wounds, her fears, so that Namjoon and his other soulmates could help her. He wanted nothing more than for them all to be together, as they always wanted, as they always talked about.

They all had so many exciting projects to do. But they always waited, they didn't want to do anything until they were all together.

The time has come. Finally. 

But to do all of that, he needed to tell them about her.

He slammed the door so hard that he woke up the black cat and Hoseok who were both sleeping peacefully on the sofa. 

“Sorry hyungs,” he apologized before taking off his jacket, “I have something really, really important to tell you and…-”

Namjoon, what’s that smell? 

Yoongi’s voice echoed in Namjoon’s and Hoseok’s head. Namjoon wasn’t surprised he already noticed it. In his cat form, his hyung’s senses were sharper. Hoseok frowned and came near his boyfriend to smell him. Slowly, he lifted his eyes to meet his partners. Her sweet vanilla scent was still barely on him, but enough for demons like his boyfriends to notice it. 

“Joonie, you’re finally back! Oh, something happened, Hobi? You should see your face! ” 

Jungkook appeared behind Hoseok, giving him a back hug while his head rested on his shoulder. The others joined them quickly. Everyone was there for Namjoon’s relief. On the way back to their home, he was afraid that the maknaes had decided to go out on the town as they used to do.

But unlike Hoseok and Yoongi, they didn’t seem to notice her smell on him. 

Fuck, he didn’t even know how to tell them. Why was he so nervous? They all waited for that day. 

But he couldn’t forget how she acted towards him. When their eyes finally met each other, how was her reaction during their handshake. The way she read the part of the book, the tears she had held back. 

She didn’t reject him though, he was sure of that. 

“Is everything okay? Oh… you smell really good, is that a new perfume ?” 

He shook his head at Jin's question. Namjoon noticed the oldest’s face changed quickly. Jin was confused in some way Namjoon didn’t understand. He, too, must have wondered where that sweet smell Namjoon had on him came from. 

He looked at each of his boyfriends and took a deep breath before finally saying the words that would change their lives forever.  

“I met our last soulmate.”

The room remained quiet for long seconds. He noticed that Yoongi had returned to his human form, and had the same look as his boyfriends.

Suddenly, they all started asking Namjoon questions. Who’s this person? What’s their name? Was the vanilla smell theirs? Was Namjoon sure they were their last soulmate? If so, why didn't he bring them here? 

The only one who stayed calm was Jin. He was standing behind Namjoon, staring at him in a somewhat strange kind of way that Yoongi had noticed. But he said nothing. He probably had to absorb the information too. 

“Okay, okay, can y’all please stop talking at the same time ?” Namjoon finally asked. 

“But hyung, I want to meet them !” Jimin whined.

“Me too, it’s not fair you’re the only one who’s got the chance to talk to them !” Taehyung added with a pout.

“Tell us where you met them, please! At their work? Or maybe in a library? You like to visit libraries after all! ” Jungkook asked beside him, clinging to his arm. His big brown eyes shone with impatience and excitement. 

Namjoon pinched his nose and sighed. These were exactly the reactions he had expected. Especially from the three youngest. Well, he couldn’t blame them for that. If he were them, he’d react the same way. 

Jin, Hoseok, and Yoongi were calmer, but he knew they were burning with impatience and even envy towards him for meeting her first, and especially for being the only one to know her, for now. He couldn't be upset with them for being so impatient, he'd probably have reacted the same way if he'd been in their situation... 

“Okay guys,” Jin finally spoke, in a strangely calm voice, and wrapped his arms around Taehyung and Jimin’s waist, “Maybe we can let Joon explain to us… right? I’ll make some coffee and tea for everyone. ” 

He separated from his two boyfriends and disappeared into the kitchen before receiving any response. On the one hand, because he didn't need to wait for answers, he already knew what each of them would drink. But also because the second the smell of vanilla had reached him, a sudden headache had taken over him. 

Now alone, he had leaned against the work surface and closed his eyes. His face suddenly tensed. 

Flashbacks invaded his mind. 

He couldn’t recognize or remember the place, the situation, or the person he was with. They were faceless. He couldn’t tell which one of his soulmates he was with. Or was it none of them? But if so, who was it? 

What were these memories? He didn’t even remember living any of them. Were these memories even his own?

“Jin, are you okay? ”

He jump-started when he heard the voice of Yoongi behind him. The second oldest had noticed the suddenly strange attitude of his elder. 

“Yeah, just a headache, nothing serious, don’t worry.” 

Jin smiled to reassure him, but Yoongi wasn’t naive. He came closer to him and put his hand on his forehead. 

“I’m a demon, Yoongs,” he added in a more serious tone and gently grabbed his hand, “I can’t be sick like humans.”

“Then why do you have a headache? Hm? You never had any before now. It oddly coincides with Joon’s arrival and this… sweet and delicious vanilla scent he had on him.” 

He caught a whiff of that wonderful smell on Namjoon, even though it was already very faint. He also hadn’t understood that these sudden flashbacks probably had something to do with that aroma. 

Of course not, he couldn't make that connection. He had never smelled that scent before. 

Or so he thought. 

Jin frowned a little and shook his head, walking away from Yoongi to prepare the drinks. 

“I’m fine Yoongi, I promise.”

Yoongi did not believe him, his senses told him not to. Jin and him were the first two to meet. They were together for several years before their paths crossed with Namjoon and Hoseok. The three younger ones were the last to arrive, decades ago. 

He knew his elder very well. He knew something was up, something probably related to their last soulmate, which they had all been looking for and waiting for all these years. 

Jin said nothing when he saw Yoongi join him to help. But Yoongi couldn’t deny that he, too, felt rather strange at the thought of Namjoon meeting their soulmate. A mixed feeling of excitement, and impatience but also stress and apprehension when he saw Namjoon's serious and worried face. He thought to himself that the same was probably true for Jin and that he was perhaps worrying a little too much. 

Yoongi also thought he should check things out on his own, one way or another. 

Several minutes later, the two boys were back in the living room. Everyone was settled in front of Namjoon and impatient while he was still standing, and nervous as he fidgeted with his fingers, which everyone quickly noticed. 

“Okay,” Namjoon took a deep breath, and ran his hand through his hair, “please, let me finish before asking any questions, because we’ll need to find something to help her.”

°°°

After her breakdown in her apartment, Handong and Gahyeon took her to theirs, not really far away from her home. where the other girls were waiting for her with blankets and food. But she didn't eat anything. The pain and sadness were so big and intense that her stomach was in knots. The thought of eating any kind of food made her feel nauseous. Her head hurts from crying so much.

She was silent at first, but finally, she started to speak and told them everything. Her meeting with Namjoon, how sweet and kind he was towards her, what she felt, the connection that people experienced with the person or people were meant to be with.

A soulmate connection.

All the girls were seated around her. They listened carefully. Bora and Gahyeon were at her sides while the others were in front of her, two on the small coffee table, the three others sitting on the floor.

After that, Siyeon asked her in a soft and calm voice why she reacted like that. Siyeon and the others thought she would be happy to finally meet her soulmate, especially since she also told them that Namjoon and her were linked to six other people, people that Namjoon already knew, making her the last person missing from the bond.

And there’s the moment when she felt tears appear again. The truth was that Namjoon wasn’t the first one she met. Gahyeon remembered her whispering a name when she broke down in her arms. A man named Jin. Who was he? Someone she loved, and who wasn’t her soulmate?

“No, absolutely not,” she answered to Gahyeon when she asked her, “Jin is… one of my soulmates too…”

She took a deep breath. She didn’t want to cry again. She was tired of crying.

She felt Bora’s head leaning on her shoulder and hugging her tightly.

“Can you tell us what happened, unnie ?” she asked in a calm and sweet voice.

Her heart ached for all the memories she had buried inside her to suddenly return. Bright memories, where Jin and she were together, happy and eager to meet their other soul mates. But also, when they had been forced to be separated, when he lost his memory when they had not been strong enough to protect each other. When she was imprisoned by those humans, accused of being a witch, and sentenced to death. How she survived, marking the beginning of her immortality, and escaped to them, and all those hurting centuries she passed alone.

She let out a sigh and finally nodded. She trusted them, they never judged her, and they were always gentle, and understanding. Gahyeon and Handong did not hesitate to come to her house after her message at almost midnight because she needed them. They were the kind of people you only met once in your life. They were true friends.

More than that, she saw them as little sisters.

She could open up to them, she could trust them, about her past, what happened with Jin, how she lost him, and most importantly, why she spent most of her life alone, surviving instead of living.

°°°

“ No! That’s not fair! It wasn’t your fault! ” Gahyeon shouted suddenly.

She stood up, angry and nearly crying, Minji joined her and gave her a comforting hug. She had just finished her story. It has been so long since she talked about it...

Bringing up all her memories was painful, but at the same time, it felt quite good to finally be able to share her pain and sorrow with them. Yoohyeon took Gahyeon's place, taking her hand in hers.

“ She’s right y/n, Why do you blame yourself? You and Jin... you were just victims! ”

“Is there anything you can do to restore his memory ?” Siyeon asked.

“Memory magic is… complex but also very powerful.” she started to explain, playing nervously with her fingers, “Brain and memory have always been a very mysterious subject, and even after all these centuries of studying it… medicine and neuroscience, for human or not, have never managed to unlock all its secrets. He's a demon, like most of you, but your brain is relatively the same as a human's… ”

She shook her head.

“Besides that, we got separated, and after I escaped from those humans, he was gone. I looked for him. I traveled the world, in vain. I never knew where he was. Was he back in the demon realm? I never knew, I tried to summon him, to invoke him, again and again, in vain. He never came to me, and I never knew why... ”

Demons could live freely in the human world if they wanted to. Otherwise, most of them lived in another world, outside time and space, parallel to where they lived now. A world where only demons could enter and leave at their will.

She sighed. She felt tears welling up again, which made her let out a swear.

“We were young and stupid, we didn’t want to waste our time with those stories of invocations and everything…”

“But now, you know where he is, you can see him again !” Yubin suddenly exclaimed, “I’m sure he hasn't forgotten you! Well, maybe for now, but the moment he sees you, all the memories will come back! He's your soul mate y/n, damn it! ”

She looked up at her and sighed again before standing up. She walked to the window and looked through it. The moon was almost full in three days.

“I’m…,” she began, her voice shaking, and she took a deep breath, “I’m scared to face him again, to face all of them. And what if he never remembers me? What if they don’t want me because of that ?”

She bites her lips. Damn it, her heart was beating faster, and not in a good way.

“And what if… she’s still alive? What if she’s still after him and she finds out that I'm still alive, and that I've found him? She could still go after him, or even our other soulmates, and even though I'm more powerful than before, she has become more powerful too… but on the other hand…,” she turned to her friends, and despite the smile on her lips, tears were running down her cheeks, “I want to see him, I want to meet them…”

Those words she just said out loud, she hasn't controlled them. They came out of her lips without her controlling it,

When she met Namjoon, a few hours earlier, her reactions towards him were more about surprise and shock at finding another soul mate. Especially since she had immediately sensed that Jin was there too.

All those memories, all those traumas, and all the things she experienced and had buried inside her were suddenly brought up, causing a surge of panic and anxiety.

But now that she had been able to confide in her friends, to talk about it, to hear their advice and support, she was able to put her thoughts in order.

Okay, learning from one day to the next that she had met not only her soul mate but also the other six, one of whom was her first love lost dramatically was something quite... sudden and abrupt.

After Jin, she never had a love affair and never fell in love again. Of course not, how could she?

Now, the idea of seeing him again, of meeting these six other people who were related to her, too, but who had also taken care of him for… she didn't even know how long...

She didn’t even want to hear the word “soulmate” or anything related to love and bonding. Because she would have felt like she was betraying Jin. She couldn't even imagine being happy with a soulmate or soulmates without him.

“You deserve it,” Minji suddenly said, pulling her out of her reverie, and gently placed her hand on her shoulder, a gentle smile on her lips, “you deserve it more than anyone else. You spent your whole life helping anyone who asks for help, sacrificing your life more than once - literally - for the helping and saving. You deserve to be happy, with those who are destined for you. And I'm sure they too have been waiting for you and are looking forward to meeting you, and to being reunited with Jin.”

She winked at her and wiped her cheeks wet with tears.

“And about this demon bitch,” Yubin continued, making a fireball appear in her hand with a fake smile, “She can come and try if she wants!”

“Yeah! We’re waiting for her! ” Gahyeon added.

Her lips stretched into a slight smile. Things were different than they had been centuries ago.

She was older, more mature, more powerful.

After all these years, decades, and centuries spent alone, hope was finally awakening in her. Hope for a better future, where loneliness would no longer exist.

“Oh girls, wait a minute !” Gahyeon suddenly shouted, “How will she meet them? Namjoon has left his shop and they have not exchanged any contacts!”

“Oh, you know for that, I’m not worried.” Handong replied with a smirk, “He knows where she works. I can bet anything you want that at least one of them will visit her very, very soon.”

°°°

Handong was right, but she didn't know it yet, or at least she didn't believe it.

She wouldn't think that Namjoon would talk about her as soon as he returned home to his... no, to their soulmates.

But he did.

He even specifically asked his partners not to rush to see her. They had to come up with a plan to approach her, enter her life, and bring her into theirs, being attentive to her inner wounds.

He thought he had convinced them. Or so he thought.

The day after she met Namjoon, at dawn, she left her friends' apartment and returned to hers. It had been a short night and she talked a lot. After she confessed, Minji and Yoohyeon convinced her to eat. She then fell asleep against Gahyeon, lulled by their conversations about random things, she didn't even remember them.

She was exhausted. But she had a business to run. There was also the possibility of creatures needing her help. The full moon was coming up in a few days, and she knew that at this time of year, werewolves often accidentally hurt themselves.

She also needed to focus her mind on something else, only for a few hours.

And anyway, she had no information. She didn't know where Jin, Namjoon, and her other soulmates lived, whom she didn't even know yet. 

And then, let's imagine she found herself facing Jin., what would she do? He wouldn't even recognize her. He would see her crying and not even understand why.

She might be his soul mate, but to him, she was yet a stranger.

Maybe it was better if she didn't see them again. Maybe Namjoon would never talk about her after their catastrophic first meeting yesterday, and go on with his life as if nothing had ever happened. Maybe that was the only way.

She sighed and left her apartment after taking a quick shower and changing her clothes. She walked down the stairs to her bookstore and turned the sign to announce that it was officially open.

She had done what she did every day: arranged and dusted the books on the shelves, correctly tidied and cleaned the various crystals, watered her plants, collected the petals and fruit from some of them, dried them for later, and made them into ingredients for future potions or spells and finally, swept the bookshop.

Her day was like any other, except maybe she was more clumsy than usual. She would have liked to blame it on tiredness, but she knew very well that it wasn't because of that.

A dark spot outside caught her eye. In front of one of the windows, sitting and staring into her bookstore, a cat.

Oh, it wasn't just any cat. It was much bigger than the cats she was used to seeing. It was also more graceful and probably the most beautiful black cat she had ever seen in her life.

She was completely mesmerized by this cat, so much so that she put her ballet down against her counter and approached the door she had opened.

She was used to this kind of situation. Stray cats often came to visit her. She got into the habit of feeding them, giving them water, and even healing them if they arrived injured, which, fortunately, was much rarer.

"Hey kitty," she murmured in a soft voice, a little smile on her face, “are you hungry? or thirsty? come in, I'll take care of you.”

She didn't dare approach the cat, she didn't know if he was afraid and would run away if she tried to touch him, or even be aggressive. She didn't want him to go away either, strangely though. She didn't want to be alone.

So she walked away from him, leaving the door open behind her, and went into the back room to get a bowl and a bottle of water.

When she came back, the cat was not only in the bookstore, but he was sitting on the counter. He was seated with his back straight, his dark eyes staring at her intensely.

She didn't know why, but she suddenly felt intimidated by this cat.

She approached him, and put down the bowl to fill it with water. She then walked away to put the ballet away.

And then the truth hit her.

He couldn't be a real cat. Well, yes, of course, it was a cat. But she felt something coming out of him, something magical and mystical.

Something supernatural. Like a shape-shifter.

She turned her head towards him, silently observing the animal that lapped up the water with an almost disconcerting slowness and tranquility.

She took a long breath and the cat raised his head, hearing her, and ran his tongue over his lips, his eyes resting on her.

That deep, dark look. No, even if she was exhausted, it couldn't be the look of a simple cat. Her witch senses were tingling, she couldn't ignore them. She had crossed paths with many shape-shifters in her life, she knew the signs. 

“I know you’re not an ordinary cat,” she finally said to him with a soft, non-accusatory voice, sitting in her chair in front of him, “I’m a witch, a very, very old witch to be honest, you’re not the first metamorph I met,” she adds with a small laugh. 

The cat’s ears bent slightly at the sound of her voice, he blinked slowly, without taking his eyes off her. 

“Are you stuck in your animal form?” She asks, resting her chin on the palm of her hand, “I can help you.”

It took only a few seconds before the cat came a little closer to her. 

Namjoon was right, our new soul mate is a person with a big heart and breathtaking beauty. 

A deep, raspy, and seductive voice echoed in her head. She frowned, slightly confused, as she looked around. Eventually, she realized where the voice was coming from. 

Wait. He said Namjoon's name, didn't he? It can't be... 

Did you genuinely think he wouldn't tell us about you and your first meeting? Come on, sweetheart, we've been waiting for you for so long. 

She took one step back, and another. Honestly, yes, she thought he wouldn't talk about her. 

She couldn't deny that his last words warmed her heart. So, had they been looking for her, too? 

He also asked us to wait…

He continued, turning his back on her to jump off the counter.

I mean, before coming to meet you. But I am his elder after all, why should I obey him? I love Namjoon with all my soul, but he asks too much from us when it’s about you, our precious and pretty soul mate. 

She heard him chuckle and looked down at him. She breathed deeply. She breathed in, and out, slowly. She was trying to calm the rhythm of her heart which was fast, too fast. 

Ah, maybe it's talking to a cat that disturbs you and makes you speechless? You knew from the beginning that I was a shapeshifter, didn't you? 

She shook her head slightly to recover her senses. 

“Not really, I thought you were a real cat at first” she admits, “and no, it’s not the first time I’m talking to a metamorph and... even if I did, it wouldn't be the weirdest thing I've done in my life. But, can you…” 

Oh, yeah, sure. Sorry.

It wasn't talking to a cat that troubled her the most. She was curious. Curious to see what he looked like. What her soul mate looked like.

In the blink of an eye, it was not a black cat that was facing her anymore, but a man. A very handsome man. His beauty was just as breathtaking as Namjoon's but in a different way. Black hair, pale skin, thin facial features, yeah, he was beautiful. Moreover, he was stunning.

Shit, if they were all as handsome as Jin, Namjoon and this guy, she was in trouble.

His gaze was the same as in his cat form. Piercing, quite dark, but now she could read something else in it. Tenderness.

Seeing her reaction, a smirk appeared at the corner of his lips. He ran a hand through his hair and took a step towards her. 

"Thanks for the water, by the way, I was very thirsty." he bowed his head with a slight smile and a soft voice that made her shiver, "I'm Min Yoongi, it's very nice to finally meet you, Y/n."

[changingplumbob]

New Goth: Chapter 4, Part 2

Saturday is date night!

Back home Alexander works out his frustrations on a punching bag. Dina always manages to rile him up. He’s also discovered he has ADHD, Cassandra’s diagnosis had him look into it. James may fit in a workout but he does get very tired afterwards. What can turn that frown upside down? A cat! He goes in search of someone fluffy, Hamlet is playing on the cat tree upstairs.

James: Hey boy, can I have a couch snuggle

Hamlet: *meows* Of course dad

James: You look good in that cape. We must get you a special look for Harvestfest, we want to impress the guests

Hamlet: *purrs* We will if I’m there

Settling down with the oldest journal Milton begins to read.

Dear diary, how exciting is that to write! I got 10 out of 10 on my spelling tests all month so daddy bought me the journal I wanted. I’m excited to start keeping proper track of things. Yes I’m 8 but never to early to organise. Michael makes fun of me but I know he’d never peek. Sometimes I think I have the best older brother in the world…

Milton: I know the feeling mummy

Alexander: Can you follow the star Gertrude

Gertrude: *meows* Oh it is so dead

Alexander: Where’d it go? Where’d it go

Gertrude: *meows* I got it! Wait… get back here star!

Alexander: I think I’ve tortured you enough for one day *turns off laser pointer*

Gertrude: *meows* It… vanished???

Alexander: Here, how about a brush. You do look impressive in the armour but we must keep your coat looking as lovely as you

Hamlet: *meows* I am more impressive

Gertrude: *purrs* dream on son

Milton: Alexander?

Alexander: We’re in here

Milton: I wanted to say thanks to you and Uncle James for the new room

James: You’re very welcome

Milton: I know you have your date but when you get back could we maybe… just for tonight… have a sleepover in my room

Alexander: That sounds fun but I don’t know if James’ back will-

James: I would love a sleepover Milton

Milton’s face lights up at this news.

Milton: I’ll see you later then. Come home safe... promise?

Alexander: We will Milton, I promise

We head to Chez Llama where our normal greeter is on duty.

Caleb: Name?

Alexander: There should be a reservation under Goth

Caleb: Under Goth? Are you sure

Alexander: Yes I made the reservation myself

Caleb flicks his eyes over Alexander’s suit, his aged companion and the space where a celebrity shine isn’t.

Caleb: Yes... well we are very busy tonight

Alexander: No one is in the restaurant yet

Caleb: We have many distinguished patrons, we must keep room for them

Alexander: My father was a five star celebrity

Caleb: Yes, he was

Alexander: My parents spent a fortune here

James: Are you sure we’re not on there? Sorry love, looks like we’ll have to take our service elsewhere *sighs*

Alexander: Look- Caleb? I know I made the reservation. We are long time patrons who wish to spend money here. If you have a problem with that perhaps I should ask to speak to your boss

Caleb: *stiffens* That won’t be necessary- sir, here it is

James: Just like magic

Caleb: If you’ll follow me

The two are escorted to a small table just inside the restaurant.

James: What was that man’s problem

Alexander: I guess he didn’t think we were famous enough

James: Well make sure to leave a big tip so he knows we don’t have hard feelings

Alexander: We don’t have to

James: Maybe we don’t have to but we should. If anything maybe it will make him less judging of future guests that don’t have celebrity status

Diaz: Hello there, what can I get you tonight sirs?

Alexander: Nectar. White I think

James murmurs in agreement and the waiter’s pen begins to mark down the order.

James: You order first love

Alexander: Could I please have the… hmm, the tiger shrimp broth sounds good

Diaz: very good sir

James: Can I have a space taco please

Diaz: Of course sir

The waiter speeds off and Alexander looks at James chuckling.

Alexander: Swanky restaurant and my husband orders a taco

James: Space taco. Maybe it’ll make me fly

Alexander: *laughs* Just don’t go getting abducted, they’ll impregnate a handsome man like you for sure

James: I have been thinking pregnancy thoughts lately

Alexander: *chuckles* Of course. We’ll have a science baby with my hair and your eyes and-

James: Actually…

Alexander: You don’t want a science baby with me?

James: I’d love one, don’t misunderstand me. Raising a mini you would be great but we have to be realistic

Alexander: What do you mean

James: Love, I’m not getting any younger

Alexander: Ridiculous! You’re plenty young

James: You’re sweet but we both know I’m not. Humans here seem to live to about 80

Alexander: Joey would say it’s the watchers fault

James: Yes, he probably would. But Alexander, I want a kid who’s going to remember me

Alexander: But… You’re only 74, you’ve got time left

James: Maybe but not enough time for an infant to get to know me properly. Not enough time for me to be able to pass on my life lessons. Not enough time… for me to know them

Alexander: So what are you saying sweets

James: I’d like to adopt a child or even a teen…

James: What do you think

Alexander: It’s just… something we haven’t discussed before

James: I know, and I’m bringing it up now

Alexander: I mean… I’m not against adoption. Not at all. But… a teen?

James: I know how to handle teens from all my years teaching

Alexander: Yes but *quietly* who says I’ll know what to do

James: You’re wonderful with Milton. You're going to make a great dad

Alexander: Yeah but Milton is my brother. How am I meant to be a dad to someone only a decade younger than me?

James: You won’t be doing it alone, I’m going to be here as long as I can

Alexander: You really want a kid that remembers you huh

James: I do. And I want to leave you with someone that can look out for you to

Alexander: What will I do when you’re gone

James: Pretty sure parenting has a pretty steep learning curve. By the time… well you will know more than nothing

Alexander: What if they don’t respect me

James: I’ll teach them to, we’ll teach them to

Alexander: *sighs* I suppose it can’t hurt to look in to it

James: I’ll win you over eventually

Alexander: *winks* You always do

Previous ... Next

[the-wip-project]

SloMo WriNo: Finding the Perfect Time to Write

Imagine your perfect writing setting. It’s peaceful and perfect, and the words flow easily.

But reality intrudes. Those perfect moments are hard to find, and, when you find them it can be too much pressure, so the words won’t come. Other times, when the inspiration is strong, and words are ready to pour out of you, you have no time or space to write. 

It seems impossible to find both the time and inspiration to write at the same time! 

That’s because it is.

To have a consistent long term writing practice, you cannot rely on perfect moments or bursts of inspiration.

I’m going to discuss inspiration in a later post, for now let’s focus on finding the time to write, in less than perfect times and places.

For me, I used to write whenever I could, just squeezing writing time whenever. And I was pretty inconsistent in how much I wrote, and didn’t get much finished.

When I decided I wanted to write a novel I knew I needed to get more organized.

I happen to be something of a morning person, and wake up about half an hour before I actually need to get up. I was in the habit of using that time to lie in bed reading, checking messages, scrolling socials etc. It seemed like a no-brainer to optimize that morning time to write.

However, when I tried, I found that I couldn’t stick with it for more than a couple of days at a time. I was frequently breaking my concentration, and easily distracted. And it felt like a grind. Eventually I realized that I simply did not want to write immediately after waking up. (and my ADHD brain will sabotage any attempt to force myself.) See, even though I’m a morning person, it doesn’t mean that I’m ready to do heavy mental lifting when I first awake. Time for quiet, more passive activities are an important part of me transitioning from sleep to full wakefulness.

But wait! Here I am at 6:30 am writing this! Happily! On a Sunday no less! Because I figured out a work around. Another look at my schedule showed me that I had another block of seemingly unused time. The later evenings after my kids are in bed. I’d dismissed that time period because I’m generally too brain tired to do anything productive. The solution was to use that time for sleeping (boring I know) enabling me to wake earlier, keep my gradual wake up routine, and still have time to write.

Strangely enough, knowing that I’m going to write in the morning is incentivising for me, and I find that I simply don’t want to stay up as late anymore. Because I have a fun reason (yes, writing is fun!) to go to sleep.

Now this little story might be helpful for you if you’d like to write first thing in the morning. If the idea feels like torture, then perhaps not.

But the idea is, assess your daily time, and cut something that isn’t refreshing or valuable. And possibly jiggle your schedule around so that you can open up a block of writing time at a time that is good for you.

For me that was the mindless doom scrolling or binge watching that I tend to indulge in after 10pm.

Some times that might work for you (besides the obvious first thing in the morning or last thing before bed): Commute time, Arriving at work or school or other daily appointments early, lunch or other break times in your day, time while you’re waiting. Remember, you’re not looking for massive blocks of time. Fifteen minutes will do. Thirty minutes would be amazing.

So examine your schedule and see where you can block out a regular time to write.

Once you’ve found a few options, try them out. Do you feel good, or harried? Tired or refreshed? If it doesn’t feel right, is there another task you can swap into the time slot to open up a different spot in your schedule? 

Which leads us to the question: does this mean I need to write every single day?

Absolutely not. Take rest days when you need them. Either a scheduled day or two each week, or just a floating flex day taken when needed.

Focus on establishing a habit of writing for at least fifteen minutes 5-6 days a week. (And don’t worry about word counts too much while you’re figuring this out.)

Once you create a habit, the words will come!

— Maree

SloMo Wrino Introduction

Setting Word Count Goals

the WIP Project discord

[cinnamonest]

Hello all. Sorry for my radio silence until now, here's a half-vent-post, half-update-post for the mess I have going on.

So, my second doctor's appointment... I am very grateful to have a wonderful employer who let me take some time off, so since I've been not great, I've gone to stay with my parents for the week.

I am experiencing what I was told is something called "polydipsia," which I can only describe as something I would come up with if I were asked to devise a new method of psychological torture. It's the sensation of intense, constant thirst, but drinking water doesn't do anything. Like, you know how normally when you're super thirsty and drink water, you feel a sensation of relief when you drink water? That doesn't happen. When you swallow and put the glass down, the thirst is just as intense as it was before you drank, it just... does nothing. You just stay insanely, incredibly thirsty, nonstop, and there is nothing you can do, no amount of drinking makes the sensation go away, but you keep getting the urge to drink because that's what your brain compels you to do.

It was mild at first, now it's reached a point that I'm chugging bottles of water, just nonstop, can barely sleep due to thirst. I know it could be so much worse and a lot of people have much worse things and this is minor by comparison, and I'm very grateful this isn't painful, but it's driving me insane. Just the constant sensation that you're trying to fix but nothing alleviates it at all despite trying is frustrating in a way I cannot describe and it's slowly worn me down to the point of psychological exhaustion.

Apparently, this may be due to some kidney issue. If so that means basically all that water I'm drinking, is actually not being absorbed by my body, my kidneys do nothing, so basically it's as if I'm not drinking at all. So, effects of dehydration as well.

At first with the urgent care doctor I went to initially, I was told that I am not diabetic due to blood sugar normal levels and that I had a kidney problem I needed to see a specialist for. Then I finally got an appointment with the primary care doctor, who said that may be incorrect because diabetes would easily explain the polydipsia. However, the last blood sample they took for lab work they did a few days ago came back and it turns out, once again, I am in fact NOT diabetic.

They drew even more blood and did a series of extensive fluids tests, basically measuring the contents by electrolyte, so I would get updates of lab results sent to me reading like "potassium - normal" and "chloride - normal" etc etc as they test each component. Everything kept coming back as being at normal levels until it hit sodium, and then for some reason, sodium and only sodium got flagged as being imbalanced.

I may have "diabetes insipidus", I'll just have to wait for testing results.

Unfortunately, with comically impeccable timing, I needed wisdom teeth taken out as it's apparently already begun to undo my previous expensive orthodontic work, so I just got out of wisdom tooth surgery yesterday. However, since I have ADHD meds (which are amphetamines) flowing through my body, they put me under general anesthesia rather than laughing gas.

So it's done, my mouth is stuffed with gauze, I'm numb with opioids for the gaping holes in my gums, I feel like a pincushion with the number of needles that have been stuffed in me in the last 72 hours, but it's done and hopefully I won't need anything more.

[aintgonnatakethis]

9 people you want to know better tag game

Thank you @bagheerita for the tag! ❤️️ Template is at the bottom below the cut.

Three ships: Young/Telford/Rush from SGU. I won't, but I could include other combinations of them and totally cheat this question - these three are the characters that just click with you, that will stick with you for your entire life.

John/Scorpius from Farscape. Me as a wide-eyed 7 year old watching a torturer clad in a leather suit come on screen: 😮😮😮

Sheppard/Todd from SGA. It's not always monsterfucking with them, but when it is... Oh boy! 👀

First ship: Third Doctor/Delgado Master from classic Doctor Who. My mum was involved in the convention scene back then so I grew up surrounded by it and we had a massive wall of every story that had been released on DVD. I hope they all made the move with us. I remember being a young kid and her bringing down a boxset with the faces of the first 7 Doctors; I'd point to one of them and she'd pick us an episode of theirs for us to watch. (Simpler times but not really)

Last song: Currently listening to Hell As Well by We Three, a band I found through @frostysfrenzy. My best songs playlist has 140 songs if you want to know my music taste without being overwhelmed.

Last movie: The Road. I saw a meme that had been made for it on here and remembered it being an excellent book, so gave it a shot. It was better in book form unfortunately. I remember it was the first time I'd seen the sentence structure of 'this happened and this happened and this happened' outside of "bad" or "childish" writing. How it was used to successfully show someone's declining mental and physical state has stuck with me.

Currently watching: Rewatching Being Human (US version) and Firefly. Trying not to let unpleasant people being involved (Mark Pellegrino and Joss Whedon respectively) ruin things I've long-term loved. So I'll engage as long as I'm not providing them financial/social/political influence to harm others. Yes, I am looking at people who still pay for Harry Potter merch.

Currently reading: Here, have a google drive full of SG1 and SGA books. I can't remember which blog linked it originally, but I'm on book 6 of the SGA Legacy series, which is basically the plot of season 6 if they'd been renewed. (Though I do side-eye some things in there, like Sheppard instantly getting together with Teyla and there being a hint to Keller being abusive in her relationship with Rodney. I don't think they would have done the former on TV as even though Teyla isn't military she's still under Sheppard's command so it would reflect poorly on the real life US military - which is the only reason O'Neill and Carter didn't get together properly, if I'm remembering right? The latter... I've seen too much of Keller bashing in fandom. I don't need it in my "official" content too.)

Currently eating: I just finished some garlic and chilly chicken drumsticks and rice. I've been eating good since my boyfriend got into cooking. 😁

Currently craving: Hmm... I think I'm good. Full of food and an extra of my ADHD meds because I'm running on night-mode currently, meaning I'd be going to bed around 6-7am except I need a doctor's appointment so I'm gonna have to stay up and tough it out. Took it at 11pm so should have worn off enough for me to sleep after my appointment. (While the able-to-focus effect only last 8 hours, the you-will-stay-awake part persists for 12. 🙄)

Tagging: @frostysfrenzy @autism-purgatory @froggy-pposto @paeliae-occasionally @the-golden-comet

@dream-i-die @gioiaalbanoart @wyked-ao3 @worlds-tallest-fairy @chaniis-atlantis

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